


stars through rain

by owlboi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, Iwaizumi Hajime in Love, Iwaizumi Hajime is Bad at Feelings, Iwaizumi Hajime is a Good Boyfriend, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru Fluff, Jealous Oikawa Tooru, M/M, Minor Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Minor Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma, Minor Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Not Canon Compliant, Oblivious Oikawa Tooru, Oikawa Tooru and Iwaizumi Hajime are Neighbours, Oikawa Tooru is Bad at Feelings, Oikawa Tooru is a Mess, Pining Oikawa Tooru, Slow Burn, Summer Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:08:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 36,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26582650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlboi/pseuds/owlboi
Summary: iwaizumi is unreadable. oikawa knows everything about him - everything except that iwaizumi has been helplessly in love with him for most of his life.it's the summer before college and the boys are going through some big changes.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 21
Kudos: 137





	1. boys with feelings

**Author's Note:**

> if you're here from coffee stained heart, then hey!!! thank you for coming back!! 
> 
> if you're new, thank you for clicking on my story!! if you need a complete fic to read i suggest [this one](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26321971/chapters/64096195) it's bokuaka and it's quite nice if i may say so myself;))
> 
> anyway, without further ado! here's stars through rain:)

When Oikawa Tooru and Iwaizumi Hajime were thirteen they kissed each other for the first time.

Tooru had been a little worried about how Hajime would’ve reacted but once he explained his train of thought, Iwaizumi seemed pretty down to kissing his best friend. It was awkward and a little wet but it was a sweet kiss. They were sitting on Iwaizumi’s bed, by the window Oikawa had climbed through to get in. Their knees were touching and they stared at each other for a second before doing anything, they weren’t sure if it was hesitation or fear or maybe excitement but when Tooru saw the ghost of his best friend’s smile and the slight twinkle of his braces, his fear went away and he just went for it.

It was the strangest thing the two boys had ever done. It was something they never really told anyone. After it happened, Iwaizumi had jumped up, his voice cracking as he chuckled awkwardly and wiped his sweaty hands on his pyjama pants. “I can’t believe people like that!” He’d shouted. It was a lie, he wasn’t sure if Oikawa had caught onto that, but Iwaizumi had _really_ liked that and it freaked his little mind out.

Tooru didn’t really say anything, he just stayed sitting, staring into space. It drove Iwaizumi crazy, he didn’t understand what he was thinking, he probably really hated it or regretted even asking him. After a while, Hajime had thrown a t-shirt at his friend’s face, getting him to snap out of it, but Oikawa just turned towards him with a happy smile. “Thanks for indulging me!”

“ _Indulging_?” Iwaizumi’s face twisted. “How old are you?”

Oikawa laid back onto Iwaizumi’s bed with an open mouthed laugh. “I just read a lot of books, Iwa-chan!” 

Iwaizumi jumped up on the bed next to him, looking down at his soft haired friend whose eyes were closed and his arms spread. “That’s probably why you have to wear glasses, reading hurts your eyes.” From the place Hajime was standing, Oikawa looked so small. He fought the urge to step on him, to hear his little whine turn into a laugh like it usually did when Iwaizumi play fought him. 

“You got that one twisted,” he opened his eyes, looking up at the spike-y haired boy with the metal smile and awkward posture. “It’s video games that hurt your eyes.” 

Iwaizumi dropped onto the bed next to him, making Tooru bounce half off the bed with a yelp. “Why do you always take me so seriously?” He asked, his chin on his hand, his elbow on his knee, his face pensive and a little void of expression. “Every time I say something, you always believe me. Why?”

Oikawa pulled himself back onto the bed, sitting crosslegged in front of Iwaizumi—whose heart was still beating too fast for his own good—and he rubbed his head. “Shouldn’t I be able to trust you fully?” He asked, his eyes genuine, his face soft. The tips of Iwaizumi’s ears turned red and his eyebrows raised all the way up. “You’re the clever-est person I know!”

“ _Most_ clever,” he said instinctively, making Oikawa burst out in a fit of giggles. Iwaizumi blushed as Tooru’s round, chocolate eyes crinkled up at the sides and his nose scrunched up as he laughed. Hajime was never a person who knew how to express his feelings, but right here and now, as he watched Tooru laugh while wearing Iwaizumi’s pyjamas and a hoodie he’d bought identical to his best friend, Iwaizumi started to think he may have been developing a crush. An absurd, insane concept that he bottled up for years after this day, but a crush nonetheless.

The boys were in bed together most nights, sometimes in Iwaizumi’s, sometimes in Oikawa’s but the two had gotten so used to sleeping next to each other that almost every time they weren’t, one of them would find himself climbing through their neighbours open window and making themselves at home in the other’s bed. 

On this particular night, Oikawa was finding it terribly hard to sleep. He lied awake, staring at Iwaizumi’s ceiling, his shoulder touching Iwaizumi’s back as he slept—he always had been a bed hog. “It’s raining,” he whispered. Iwaizumi just hummed in response. “Hey, Iwa-chan, do you think we’ll always be friends?”

There was a pause in conversation. Tooru wasn’t sure weather or not his friend was asleep so he just waited—for a response, to fall asleep, for something. “Of course we will dipshit,” he mumbled, making Oikawa smile and shake his head. 

“You’re so crude,” he yawned. “I love you, Iwa-chan.”

It was a platonic _I love you_ , nothing to read into. They’d known each other since birth, their mothers were best friends. It was almost second nature for them to say it to each other. Yet on this particular night, a shiver went through all of Iwaizumi’s bones, a feeling that changed the way he saw his best friend for ever.

The day of their graduation, Oikawa had worn Iwaizumi’s perfume. He’d grown much taller than him now, Iwaizumi had to tilt his head up slightly while his friend helped him with his tie. He tried not to look at him in the eyes but it was unavoidable and Oikawa was barely even looking at him anyway, he was too focused on Hajime’s tie to notice the way his friend was gazing at him. _Stop staring at him_ , Iwaizumi thought to himself, _you got over it, remember?_

“Iwa-chan, you seem distracted today,” he said, sitting in his usual spot at the foot of Hajime’s bed, his blazer unbuttoned. “You wanna play me something?”

The stone faced boy with the spiky hair watched him for a second and then sighed. “Fuck it,” he picked up his guitar. “You wanna listen to the song I’m working on?”

“Obviously,” he widened his eyes. “I didn’t even know you were working on something new!”

Iwaizumi sat next to the lankier boy and placed his guitar on his leg, his breath getting a little shaky. He didn’t know why he was suddenly so nervous. Maybe it was because this particular song was about… “I started it yesterday, it’s not very good, but uh… here goes nothing.”

He cleared his throat, his fingers finding their way to the strings with ease and he bit back a smile.

_“Footsteps on the moon,_

_A far off view_

_Of something new._

_The rain is falling down_

_Your eyes are on the ground_

_That’s when I smile._

_Stars through the rain._

_A small escape from pain._

_The winding path of life_

_The fear of_

_Not having you_

_By my side.”_

Iwaizumi’s hand let the guitar ring out and scratched the back of his neck, not really looking at Oikawa, whose eyes were bright as he leaned forward with a smile on his face. “Yeah, um… it’s not really finished but uh…”

Oikawa jumped up and wrapped his arms around Iwaizumi with a squeal. He stiffened and then relaxed, pushing his friend off him with a slight blush and a laugh. “Iwa-chan, if you forget me when you’re famous, I’m gonna be so pissed.”

“Boys come downstairs so we can take pictures!” Oikawa’s mother shouted up the stairs. She’d spent most of the morning chatting away to Iwaizumi’s mother. The two of them had known each other forever, they were neighbours and yet every time they saw each other they talked as if they needed to catch up on the last ten years of their lives. The boys didn’t mind. They liked that their parents knew each other, it made it easier for them to hang out. 

Oikawa was the first to move, standing up next to a sitting Hajime and placing his hand on the top of his head playfully. “Let’s go graduate!”

Iwaizumi shoved his hand off his head with a laugh, throwing a pillow at his face. “Don’t tell me what to do.”

“Fine! Stay here forever, never move on,” Oikawa raised his hands. “I wouldn’t complain. Change is scary.”

He didn’t elaborate, but Iwaizumi felt the weight behind his words. Tooru had never been the best at expressing his feelings, they either came out in extreme bursts or in obsessive training and the _need_ to get better. He was never loud about them, it was something Iwaizumi wished he could help his friend with. Then again, Hajime wasn’t good at emotions either, his face was always blank, people usually asked him if he was okay because the only emotion they could read from his face was anger. Not Tooru, though. Tooru could always tell what Hajime was thinking about—he would look at him and in an instant he knew what his friend needed. 

Except for when Hajime was thinking about Tooru.

When that happened, Tooru just assumed Hajime was feeling tired or stressed or annoyed. It was probably because Iwaizumi covered up his soft feeling with random playful violence. Every time he felt flustered he’d just elbow the taller boy or throw something at him and the conversation would naturally move on like it always did. Yearning had become a habit. It was just funny that yearning had become associated with annoyance in Oikawa’s mind.

“There they are!” Iwaizumi’s mother smiled up, stretching her arms out to them, before both her and Oikawa’s mother trapped their sons into a tight group hug, which Tooru happily accepted and Hajime tried to pull away from. He wasn’t good at physical affection—or just affection in general. They finally pulled away. “Alright, Lovebirds, stand over there so we can take some pictures.”

Hajime’s gaze dropped to the ground, trying to shield his reddening face. “I told you to stop calling us that,” he grumbled before standing next to Oikawa who was eyeing him from the side of his vision. He was being examined, Oikawa was once again confused about what Iwaizumi was feeling in this moment. He tried to shake it off but before he could, Tooru hooked his arm around Iwaizumi’s neck and held up a peace sign. “Get off of me, Shittykawa!”

“Hey, don’t be vulgar!” He giggled. “Mom, take the picture so he stops thrashing!” 

They didn’t really have a graduation party. After getting their diplomas, both Oikawa and Iwaizumi hung around with their friends, having small chats as they said goodbye to the people they’d known forever, wondering if they’d ever see them again. Hajime had thought it was weird how quickly things changed, he wasn’t too bothered by it all, he just hoped he could hold onto Tooru for a little while longer. He didn’t want to think about the chance of them going off to different colleges. He didn’t want to think about living anywhere other than across from Tooru’s bedroom.

God he hated big events, they made him think about stuff he’d rather keep bottled up.

He tugged on Oikawa’s shirt while he was having a lively conversation with some of the girls that were part of his fan club. “Oi, shit-head,” he’s said flatly, making Oikawa turn around, blinking blankly towards his friend. He wanted to say, _don’t swear, there are girls here_ , but he didn’t want to sound sexist. Iwaizumi could just read that from his expression. “Let’s go, I wanna get McDonald’s before we get home.”

Tooru sighed. “Fine,” he put his best smile on again and turned to the girls behind him. “It’s been so nice talking to you all, keep in touch!” But Iwaizumi had already grabbed his wrist and started dragging him away towards his mother’s car. “Eh, Iwa-chan, you only got your license last week, I don’t know if I trust your skills.” He stopped in front of the passenger's door. “Also, how is your mom gonna get home—how did you even get her keys?”

“Do you wanna keep asking questions?” Hajime spun the car keys on his index finger, a mischievous smirk on his lips. “Or do you wanna get McDonald’s?"

Oikawa considered this and then pouted. “I’m still not sure about your driving skills.”

“I took the test last week, that means all the information is fresh in my mind,” he huffed. “If anything, getting into a car with me is _much_ safer than getting into a car with your road-raged mother.”

Tooru opened his mouth to try and retort his statement and then snapped it shut. “Fair point.” He reached for the car door handle and he got in, Hajime’s smile brightening, trying to hide it before Tooru could see it when he got in the car. “Did you want Google Maps or?”

“Literally shut up, I know my way to McDonald’s.”

After an hour of driving around in a circle in a random neighbourhood neither of the boys had ever been to before, Tooru concluded they were lost and that Iwaizumi was to proud to admit it. “Dude, we literally turned here four times, get back on the high street and let’s find a reference point from there!” He was starting to get a little frustrated, Hajime could hear it in his voice, but he didn’t want to give in. “I won’t turn on Google Maps, just please stop turning right, we’re going in circles, I feel like I’m in hell.”

They stopped in a parking lot in the middle of nowhere about ten minutes later, Tooru in fits of laughter and Hajime feeling extreme embarrassment with his forehead resting on the steering wheel. He was kind of happy they had this time, aside from the pointless driving with the great soundtrack, Iwaizumi felt as if he were getting his friend back for the first time in weeks. Not that they hadn’t seen each other but there were always so many distractions, they just never got a moment to themselves. “At least my driving’s decent,” Iwaizumi mumbled, making Tooru giggle.

“Yeah, but your sense of direction is just as terrible as it’s always been.” He punched his friend with a smile, trying to get him to look up. Hajime only turned his head to him. “Remember that time we biked too far down the road and got lost on the way back?” 

Iwaizumi leaned back in his seat crossing his arms. “Yeah,” he watched a couple walk past, hand in hand. “But that was also the day we found your favourite place in the world. So that was a win in my mind.”

“Accidental, but yeah, it gave us a safe space, so I guess, _maybe_ you’re right.” He paused, chewing on his lip nervously. Iwaizumi fought the urge to grab his hand. “Y’know, I still haven’t confirmed with any of the colleges I applied to—I’m thinking of differing till next year, maybe travel a bit for now…” he dragged the end of his sentence. Hajime didn’t react. “…I don’t know, I just think there’s so much out there and I’ll miss it if I go into university right away.”

Iwaizumi’s heart was beating unbelievably slow, he felt like he was going to die. He felt it thumping in his chest. “So, what you’re saying is, you want _me_ to differ as well,” he said lightly, but his mind was anything but. He was quietly begging Tooru to ask him to come with. To travel the world with him. His face was blank, Tooru’s was pensive.

“I’m not really saying anything,” Tooru shrugged, his hands fiddling on his lap. “I just thought you should know. You can do whatever you want, Iwa-chan,” he turned with a grin, his expression changing completely. It was the kind of grin that told Iwaizumi not to worry about him, the kind of look he used when he himself didn’t know what he was feeling. Iwaizumi may have bad at emotions, but now when it was about his best friend’s emotions.

Hajime put his chin down on the steering wheel. “You know I’ve always done what you did.” There wasn’t really a point to his statement, he just wanted to reassure Tooru in some way. Even if it probably didn’t help at all. He gave out a breath of air and smacked his hands on the steering wheel. “The way I see it, we have two options,” he started. “We either order McDonald’s and get drunk in this parking lot until tomorrow morning, _or_ we GoogleMaps where the _fuck_ this restaurant is and we go have dinner because I’m _starving_.”

“It’s only 4:30PM, we can’t exactly start drinking—“

“Since _when_ is time relevant? I bought so much booze, I’m gonna drink it.”

Oikawa Tooru had never been an explicitly cautious person, _especially_ not when his best friend was involved. Iwaizumi had managed to get Tooru to do so much stuff he’d never have agreed to if anyone else had asked. Once he saw the cinnamon challenge on the internet and dared the softer boy to try it and they spent the entire evening cleaning the kitchen of cinnamon powder. Hajime had also been the reason why Oikawa hadn’t ridden a bike for weeks because they once raced down a very steep hill and Tooru fell of and scraped his elbow. It wasn’t so much peer pressure as it was complete and utter blind trust. Trust that Hajime had earned, but also trust that had been built from a friendship that existed before either of them could even talk.

The two boys walked around the car to the boot where Iwaizumi opened up the back and Tooru’s mouth fell open at the amount of cans and bottles he’d stocked up on. “Iwa-chan, did you rob a liquor store?” Hajime gave him a death glare and Tooru raised his arms up in defence. “If we drink this alone we might end up in the hospital.”

Hajime shrugged. “We don’t have to drink it all tonight,” he raised his eyebrows. “We have the whole summer.”

Oikawa’s face brightened as he leaned down to grab a can. “Alright then,” he raised it up to his best friend, who grabbed one for himself. “Here’s to the rest of our lives!” They clinked cans and Iwaizumi watched Tooru tilt his head back and take the first sip before doing so himself. He’d decided long ago that he was happy just being his friend. That he didn’t mind being the closest person to him in a way that wasn’t in any way romantic. Though, the sad truth was, that in moments like these he wished he could do more.

The music was cranked up to the highest volume Iwaizumi’s mother’s car could reach. It was playing cheesy hits from their childhoods while they danced and screamed in the parking lot, watching the sun gradually go down as the hours went by. Oikawa had taken off his blazer and his tie, his collar was unbuttoned and his shirt untucked while he was spinning in the street, his arms stretched out to his sides, his hair bouncing as he moved. Iwaizumi was running around him, bowing down and calling him _The Great King_ , a nickname they’d adopted from another team. They mainly used it to make fun of him, but it was somewhat nice.

When the sun started setting, both boys struggled to climb up on top of the roof of the car, both of them holding another can of something Iwaizumi had picked up with his shiny new ID. The fact that they were both legally adults now freaked Hajime out a little bit, it was too much responsibility to have at such a young age, especially for them. They weren’t the most troublesome of boys but they could be childish and reckless. Iwaizumi was just glad Oikawa was scared of driving so he didn’t have to worry about him getting into an accident or something. 

When the delivery man showed up at the parking lot and saw both boys on top of the car, he looked a little bit freaked out. He felt as if he were being set up for some internet prank or a cruel joke, but when he realised they were harmless, new adults he smiled and handed them their food.

Iwaizumi turned to Oikawa patting his jacket pockets. “Oh, shit, do you have cash for a tip?”

Oikawa nodded, reaching in to the inner pocket of his jacket. He pulled out a stick and placed it on Hajime’s hand. “Hold this for a sec,” he continued digging into his pocket.

“What the fuck is this?” 

Tooru rolled his eyes. “You’re the one with the bee allergy,” he shook his head, finally pulling out some money and handing it to the delivery man, who thanked them and left. “I’m just making sure you don’t die from it.”

“You carry around my epipen?” Hajime tilted his head as Tooru took it back and put it in its place.

“Duh,” he winked. “This is the newest prescription, I got it from your mom a few months ago, the other one expired.” Iwaizumi didn’t say anything. He just kicked Oikawa’s leg. “Ow! What was that for?” He whined.

“You’re wearing my shoes,” he replied flatly.

Oikawa elbowed him. “You’re the one who left them in my room.”

“Who the hell wears trainers to their graduation?” Oikawa kicked his friend with a snort, directing his attention to his own shoes. “Fair point.” 

The thing about this pair was how comfortable they were with each other. Their parents had always joked about them being soulmates, cut from the same cloth, two sides of the same coin. They were born a month apart and ever since then they spent all the time in their world together. They didn’t know a world where the other wasn’t part of every moment. That was a scary thought for both of them. In some way they’d become so co-dependent that this bridge they were on in their lives, where they didn’t know if they were going to go in the same direction after their summer break, it was the scariest thing either of them had ever gone through.

Oikawa hadn’t really spoken about it, neither had Iwaizumi. Both of them could feel the other overthink every moment, every move the other made. Both of them were too proud to admit they would miss the other, even though in one way or the other, they loved each other more than anyone else on the planet. _Boys will be boys_ and feelings will be repressed seemed to be the general motto. Iwaizumi had built himself up to be the strong one for so long that now he was scared of letting Tooru’s vision of him crumble, while Tooru was such a prideful bastard that even if he wanted to say anything, he’d never admit that he was scared to lose his best friend.

Growing up sucked. 

That’s why both boys were intent on making this the best summer of both of their lives.


	2. pancake breakfast

When Iwaizumi’s phone started buzzing at 3AM, he opened his eyes to see his best friend through his window, jumping and waving his arms up to get his attention. Oikawa was in pyjamas and he looked like he hadn’t slept at all, it had always been like this, Iwaizumi just liked going to bed early while Oikawa stayed up overthinking.

Hajime stood up groggily, going to open his bedroom window. “I hope you have a good excuse for waking me up—and _no_ , your burnt midnight snack is not considered a good excuse.” 

Tooru rolled his eyes, sighing. “That happened one time,” he pouted and then shook his head. “Anyway! We were talking on the Captains group chat and we’re planning a lil gathering since the Tokyo boys are heading over next week, you in?”

“This couldn’t wait till the morning?”

Oikawa huffed. “No, because I wanted to know if you still had band practice on Fridays or not, so that we can set a date,” he explained. “I don’t know if you guys are still together since graduation. So what do you think?”

“Still with the band but I can skip practice if you need me to.”

The other boy smiled brightly. “Great!” He turned his attention to his phone, typing away at a response of his phone. Iwaizumi turned around and walked back towards his bed, his window still open. Tooru called after him, his voice quieter this time. “Hey, Iwa-chan?”

“Just come in.”

Iwaizumi knew Oikawa better than he knew himself. He knew that if he was still awake at 3AM it meant that his anxiety was hitting. He knew that he was never going to cave and ask for help. He knew that he needed his best friend to be sleeping next to him to get his breath back to its usual rhythm. Iwaizumi could read all of Tooru’s needs from his face by looking at him for less than a second. He wondered if Tooru was the same. Probably.

He heard the lankier boy climb through the window as quietly as he could manage, so not to wake Iwaizumi’s mother who had to get up early for work. They’d done this so many times that it felt like second nature to step through one window to get into another. It made things a lot easier for the both of them. Iwaizumi laid back down onto his bed and shut his eyes, after a couple of seconds he felt the bed dip and Tooru was lying next to him. This bed was getting a little too small for two grown boys. Iwaizumi wondered if this was weird, to still sleep in the same bed as your best friend. He wondered if it was weird for two boys to be doing so.

No matter how many times they’d laid next to each other, Iwaizumi’s stomach still filled with butterflies every single time.

He didn’t have to ask about it, he knew Tooru was stressing about his future. He was always stressing about the uncertain things. The things he couldn’t control or predict even if he tried really hard. Iwaizumi heard the tapping of Tooru’s fingers on the bed. He heard his slightly ragged breathing. He could practically feel his eyes burning a hole through his ceiling—but he didn’t say anything. He kept both his mouth and his eyes closed and just listened to his breathing slowly calm down and his best friend drift off to sleep.

The morning after, Iwaizumi woke up to an empty bed and the smell of his mother’s pancakes. It was something she did for Tooru when he seemed upset over something. The boy was an open book, no matter how hard he tried to hide his feelings, the Iwaizumi’s always managed to catch on. Hajime grabbed a hoodie from a chair, not his usual one because that one seemed to be missing, and he headed downstairs to join the rest of the group. “Morning, sleepy-head!” His mother greeted him, patting the top of his head lovingly. Hajime only grumbled and plopped down on a stool next to Tooru who was watching him with a smirk. “We’re making pancakes, just how you like ‘em!” She held up a packet of chocolate chips and Tooru hugged the bowl with the pancake mix.

“Amazing,” he said flatly. Tooru poked his shoulder. “You’re lively for someone who slept for like, two hours.”

Oikawa shrugged. “I got enough sleep.”

“You move too much when you can’t sleep,” he opened the jar of nutella in front of him, swishing a knife over the top of it. “I got kicked, like, eight times.”

Iwaizumi licked the nutella off of the spreading knife, earning a look from his mother that he was too tired to read. She placed two plates in front of the boys with a smile and then went back to making more pancakes. Tooru looked at his best friend from the corner of his eye. “Are you okay?” He whispered. He didn’t want to worry Iwaizumi’s mother, that was for sure, but he also didn’t want to pass breakfast with a more-angry-than-usual Hajime.

The other boy looked up, his eyes sleepy, his hair flat. His gaze fixed on the hoodie he was searching for yesterday that was loosely hugging Tooru’s body. He was sure that he would have to say something snarky about it, but it made him feel so warm to see him wearing it that he kept his mouth shut. He met Tooru’s eyes, round and soft, and his breath hitching in his throat. He could feel heat rising in his cheeks. _Dammit, dammit, dammit,_ he looked away. _You’d think I’d be used to that after eighteen years_.

“Yeah, just a little sleep-deprived, that’s all,” he muttered into his pancake, aggressively taking a bite so he wouldn’t have to say anything else.

Oikawa chuckled lightly, his hand resting on Hajime’s back for a split second, making his skin feel like it was on fire. It left before he could even react. “Iwa-chan, you’re so dramatic, I’m sure you got a good five or six hours!”

“The average human needs _eight_!” He was glad the conversation steered back in its usual direction.

Iwaizumi’s mother sat down in front of them, spreading nutella over her pancakes. “He’s right, you know?” She smiled over at the lankier boy. “You don’t sleep nearly enough, Tooru, I’m just glad you find some refuge here, but you really need to try and get at least five hours.” 

“It’s not as easy as it sounds,” Tooru said quietly, a frown on his face. He looked up quickly, Iwaizumi noticed he’d finished his pancake. “I’m gonna go home and take a shower, Iwa-chan, I’ll be back later so we can go out and do something, ‘kay?”

Before he could even reply, Iwaizumi was watching his best friend leave, his hoodie still wrapped around him, his shoulders hunched and his soft hair bouncing. He was past the point of worrying about Tooru. He’d always been like this, cryptic and secretive but sensitive and vulnerable. It was a contradiction in and of itself. Iwaizumi had seen Tooru cry more than anyone, but he’d also spent weeks not talking or avoiding his feelings. The best bet was just waiting for him to open up. He didn’t like it when people worried about him, it stressed him out twice as much.

When he turned back, his mother’s eyes were wide and focused on him. “They’re not back are they? The terrors? Has he been taking his meds?”

Oh, yeah, Tooru was an insomniac. “Mom, you know he doesn’t tell me that stuff,” he sighed. “I think he is, why wouldn’t he be taking his meds?”

She swallowed a bite of her pancake, trying to calm herself down. She really was like a second mother to Tooru, just like Tooru’s mother was a second mother to Hajime. “You’re right, there’d be no reason…” she paused. “So then, why?” 

Hajime stood up and brought his plate and Tooru’s plate to the sink. “I don’t know, mom,” he tried to sound nonchalant but he was chewing on the inside of his cheek. He didn’t wanna think about it. “I’m gonna go shower, Tooru will probably be by sooner, rather than later.”

He was right. When Hajime opened the door, he only had one sock on and his hair was still wet. Tooru was a little pale but he looked lively as always. “Ready?” He asked making Iwaizumi look at himself up and down and then back at Tooru with narrowed eyes. “Right, okay,” he laughed. “I’ll help you with your hair!”

Iwaizumi tried to protest as Tooru pushed him into his room and turned on the hairdryer. “I swear to god if you make me look like an idiot I’ll make you swallow a volleyball.”

Feeling Tooru’s hands through his hair as he tried to style it was a feeling Hajime had never really thought about before. Usually a towel would do the job, he wasn’t even sure how Tooru even found the hairdryer, Iwaizumi himself had never seen it. Tooru’s hands softly brushed though the short spikes of Iwaizumi’s curls. He was sure it was going to come out much fluffier than it was supposed to be but feeling the warm air on his shoulders and seeing Oikawa behind him through the mirror, attentively doing his hair, he didn’t say anything. He tried to just enjoy the moment. To just imagine that for one second they were more than just best friends.

He felt a little pathetic.

He wondered if Tooru knew how much power he had over him. 

“I look like a poodle.”

Iwaizumi’s face was blank, somewhere between disbelief and anger. Tooru was still fluffing the front of it with a smile in the mirror.

“I think you look cute.”

A blush rose on Iwaizumi’s face, he covered it up with the angriest expression he could muster. “I can’t go out like this, shit-head.”

“What’s with the names? I just did your hair, you should be _thanking_ me!” He crossed his arms over his chest and tilted his chin up in faux offence. _God, you’re so cute_. “Besides, I think it makes you look less threatening than you usually do. You’re more like a cloud now, instead of a spiked up porcupine.”

Iwaizumi’s eyebrows knitted together. “ _Spiked up porcupine_?” 

He shrugged. “We were all thinking it!” 

“You’re the only one here,” he tackled him, making Tooru fall backwards onto his bed, just like they did when they were kids. He laughed as Iwaizumi pinned his wrists to the bed and straddled him, ready to threaten him for making fun of his hair. Then, the thoughts arrived. They hadn’t play-fought it years, maybe it was weird. Especially since looking down at Tooru like this made his whole body buzz. It made his breath shake. It made his eyes tear up a little bit. They went silent for a second, then Iwaizumi jumped off of his best friend, hiding his face from him and picking up his denim jacket. “Where’re we going then?” 

The music was on blast as Iwaizumi drove in silence. Tooru was just singing in the passenger’s seat, his voice was surprisingly good. Hajime had told him multiple times to come sing with him sometime, maybe sing for the band once or twice, but Tooru always brushed him off as if that were the craziest idea he’d ever heard. “I’m not the talented one, Iwa-chan,” he kept saying. “You are. I’m just the one that works hard to _pass off_ as talented.”

No matter how much Iwaizumi protested, there was no way to get him out of that funk. Tooru was stubborn and Hajime had made peace with the fact that he couldn’t always be there for him like Tooru did for Iwaizumi.

“Are you gonna tell me where we’re going or do I have to keep driving blindly?”

“OH! Yeah, we’re meeting Suga and Daichi at that new restaurant for lunch,” he smiled. “You know the one near the town square, with the pink writing?”

Iwaizumi wasn’t sure when it had happened, but the two of them had gotten chummy with two of the Karasuno third years over the last two months of school. It had something to do with the ‘captains’ group chat Sawamura Daichi had come up with after they qualified for nationals, Iwaizumi guessed they only added Oikawa because they felt bad for him—wait that sounds bad, but it wasn’t like they ever had any sort of good relationship with each other, so—but the more they talked on that chat, the more Hajime found himself hanging out with Sugawara and Daichi.

That being said, Iwaizumi didn’t like how well Oikawa and Suga were getting along.

The restaurant wasn’t a long drive away, so within minutes of scattered conversation and listening to Oikawa sing to himself, they parked the car and met up with the two boys from the other team. Daichi greeted them with a nod while Suga and Oikawa went to hug each other, leaving both the other boys to stand awkwardly on the side, not quite sure how to interact. Iwaizumi was just glad he wasn’t the only one who found this whole thing a little weird.

The setters walked ahead to get the group a table and Daichi turned to Hajime with knitted eyebrows. “Do they seem, like—closer, to you?”

Iwaizumi watched them for a second and then met Daichi’s eyes with the same concerned look he had. “Yeah, it’s weird, right?” He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans with an uncomfortable chuckle. “Almost as if they’re leaving us behind.”

Daichi just frowned.

Once they’d ordered their food and Oikawa and Suga began chatting away, leaning awfully close to each other over the table, Iwaizumi decided to take charge of the conversation. “So, you guys graduated?”

All the boys turned to the fluffed up Iwaizumi. Daichi smiled, relieved that the conversation turned back to the group. “Yeah! We had a party with the team and everything, it actually ended up being a pretty emotional day.”

Oikawa smiled. “Oh, yeah, didn’t your libero and the one with the buzzcut get _really_ drunk and break a lamp or something?” He was looking at Sugawara when he said that. The both of them began laughing. Even Daichi gave out a smile. Hajime started feeling strangely out of place. “We just hung out in some parking lot, Iwa-chan brought a _lot_ of booze.”

Suga looked at Iwaizumi for what felt like the first time all day. “Oh, my god! I love a guy who knows how to party!”

“Yeah, Iwa-chan is the best,” Tooru hooked an arm around Iwaizumi’s shoulders. “He’s been taking me on adventures since before I can even remember!”

Dessert rolled around and Daichi and Hajime had barely spoken two sentences. They both just listened to the other two boys talking the day away as both their minds raced. They were thinking the same thing. Hajime kept his gaze on his slice of cake as Sugawara roared with laughter at something Oikawa said. He wasn’t even hungry anymore, his stomach felt like it was flipped. “Okay, so, there’s actually a reason we decided to have this lunch,” Tooru turned towards both his best friend and Suga’s, shooting the grey haired boy a quick look from the corner of his eye. “As of a week ago, Koushi and I have decided to start dating!”

They both cheered, Iwaizumi felt as if he were the protagonist of a bad film. 

He dropped his fork, not looking up as the clinking of it against his plate silenced them. He cleared his throat, smiling up. “Oh, god, I wish you the best of luck with this shit-head,” he laughed, making Sugawara smile widely. Daichi was still silent, almost as if he was still processing the whole moment and Iwaizumi stood up. “Do you mind if I just—I gotta piss.”

He walked right past the bathroom and to the exit, sitting on the brick wall outside the restaurant. His ears felt as if they’d blown out. He didn’t feel like crying, really, he knew this would happen eventually. There were so many moments in his life where he imagined Tooru somehow felt the same way he did. That when or _if_ he ever confessed, Tooru would just greet him with open arms. But he’d always been too chicken-shit to do it and now it was too late. Funny how things turn out. Now he understood why they’d been hanging out with the Karasuno boys so much.

He wanted to scream but he thought that would’ve been too out of character for him to do.

After all, his main personality trait _was_ repressed emotions. He couldn’t let them out now.

He sat with his head in his hands for a few minutes, his palms pressed to his eyes. _They probably think I’m taking a shit_ , he thought to himself. _Pathetic. Fuck it, let them think what they want_. 

“I won’t say anything,” Iwaizumi heard Sugawara’s voice near the entrance of the restaurant, getting closer. He looked up. “I know you don’t like me too much, Tooru’s told me how protective you can be. I won’t tell him you’re out here freaking out about the news.”

Iwaizumi watched him as he sat on the wall next to him. “Oh, it’s not—“

“No, it’s okay, you don’t have to say it,” he smiled kindly. “I’m probably not the best choice for him, but I feel like, in some ways we really get each other, y’know? I promise I’ll take good care of him.”

If only Sugawara knew that this had nothing to do with him and _everything_ to do with the fact that he’d been in love with his best friend for as long as he could remember. “Tooru’s more than capable of taking care of himself, he’s a _very_ good cook and he works so well in a crisis—but don’t let him do your hair or you’ll end up like me.” He blew a curl out of his eyes.

Suga laughed. “Gosh am I the one in love with him, or are you?” He said playfully. Iwaizumi painted the most uncomfortable smile on his face, his eyes wide and shiny, his heart in his throat. He didn’t say anything, he just let himself be shoved by the grey-haired boy. “And I think the hair looks nice, by the way. Makes you look a lot less threatening!”

“That’s exactly what Tooru said.”

“Our minds must be merging already,” he wiggled his hands. “Anyway, I’ll let you have your moment, I’ll just—what do you want me to tell them you’re doing?”

Iwaizumi licked his lips. “Doesn’t really matter, make something up.”

Suga shot him two finger guns and then skipped off back into the restaurant.

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

Hajime smacked himself in the face. He thought it would probably be easier to hate Sugawara if he’d been a complete dick. He hated that he was actually a nice guy. He felt so worthless today, sitting next to his best friend as he talked about him like a passing thought, just someone he knows. He wasn’t even being malicious or mean, he was just—he wasn’t thinking about him even though he was right there.

_I thought we said we moved on._ He took a giant breath in and stood up. _I_ _’_ _m not gonna ruin this for him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this story's gonna be a lil angstier than the other one... thank you for reading!


	3. captains

Iwaizumi and Tsukishima Kei had nothing in common.

Or at least that’s what he thought. 

In reality, both of them had _a lot_ in common, to the point where they had the same reactions to things. 

They’d first met after one of the Seijoh vs Karasuno games, in the bathroom while Iwaizumi was washing his face. There was a weird tension between the both of them, because neither of them knew how to speak to the other. At first he thought he owed the blonde boy nothing and he just decided to move on but then Tsukishima decided to start _talking_ and at that point there was no escape from the conversation. They were both just as intimidating as the other.

However, after a little bit of small talk that involved minor talk about Kageyama Tobio and their lively teammates, Iwaizumi had learned that Tsukishima actually had a big passion for music. He could play the piano and the guitar and rumour had it, he could sing—though he really didn’t like talking about it. That was how Hajime’s band found its keyboardist. The first few practices were awkward as hell, but once they started getting in the groove of things, they actually sounded pretty good.

Though Hajime _was_ the lead guitarist, vocalist _and_ lyricist, the other members also took part in all of those things. Tsukishima had a talent for melodies and bass lines, so he always took care of composing the main body of the music. Sakusa Kiyoomi, their drummer—a tall, curly-haired dude who barely let anyone get within two feet of him—handled most of the band’s gigs and found the venues. Iwaizumi guessed he liked the drums because they shielded him from the rest of the band. And then there was Terushima Yuji—the bassist who only joined the band because he thought it would make him popular _with the ladies._ He did well when it came to backing vocals. He also did backflips sometimes, but Hajime never understood the point of them.

Friday was the day the four of them came together.

When Iwaizumi got in, he shook his umbrella outside before taking off his coat and stepping into the studio Terushima’s parents rented out for them. “Morning,” he sighed as he got in and put his bag down. Yuji looked up with raised eyebrows. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“You’re having problems of the heart, my friend,” he smirked. Reaching over and swinging an arm over Hajime’s shoulders. “I know it all too well, what’s up, buddy, you know you can talk to me.”

Tsukishima’s glasses twinkled from the corner of the room as he played a couple of chords on the keyboard. Sakusa wasn’t even looking at any of them. “You may be the last person anyone should go to for advice, Terushima-kun,” Tsukishima deadpanned. “How long was your last relationship? Two hours? And how long did you spend crying about it and chasing after her and fifteen other girls?”

“A month,” Sakusa chimed in. He was wearing a mask but they could all see the mischief in his hooded eyes.

Terushima huffed. “Wow, I didn’t know it was _Come for Yuji’s Neck D_ ay. Thanks guys!” He rolled his eyes walking over to his bass. “The next time any of y'all need help, I’m keeping my mouth _shut_!”

“Thank you,” Tsukishima smiled. “That’s all we ask.”

Terushima was pouting.

Iwaizumi took his guitar out of its case and chewed on the inside of his cheek as his fingers grazed the scratch on its body. It was from the first time him and Tooru got drunk, Tooru tried to put on a show and almost fell of Hajime’s roof, dropping the guitar to save himself. He was very angry about it at the time, but thinking back on it was a little nostalgic. “Hey, Tsukki?” Kei’s face was completely blank from the use of the nickname, he didn’t say anything. “Are you going to that captains thing tonight?”

The blonde boy pushed up his glasses. “Yeah, well… I’m not really sure, Kuroo’s gonna be there so he’s probably gonna force me to go with him…” he gave out a breath. “Probably. You want me as your plus one?” He asked. Hajime was pretty sure he was joking.

“I’m already Tooru’s plus one.”

Kei’s eyebrows knitted together. “Um, isn’t Sugawara already going as The Great King’s plus one?” 

Iwaizumi felt his blood begin to boil. “No, he’s Daichi’s.” He kept his tone levelled. He could feel Terushima staring at him from the other side of the room where he was tuning his bass. He wanted to stick his tongue out at him but he thought that was a thing only Tooru would do. He hated feeling like this. Maybe he was a little too possessive over his best friend. Maybe he wasn’t possessive enough.

“Whatever, Kenma and Shrimpy are coming too, so I don’t think it matter’s that much,” Tsukishima brought his attention back down to the keyboard, which meant the conversation was over. _Yeah but I’m with Oikawa. I’m Oikawa’s plus one. I’m Oikawa’s._ He wanted to scream. He wanted the reassurance that if Tooru were to choose between him and Suga, that he would pick him. He wanted to make sure that he was more important. 

But then again, that was an unreasonable request.

Band practice went well, mostly Sakusa and Terushima spent their time arguing about which of them was out of time—it was Terushima—while Kei played around with the melody of the new song Iwaizumi was working on and Hajime spaced out and stared holes into the wall. He felt more and more like a zombie these days.

At around half past six, the boys were exhausted and ready to leave. “I’ll see you later, porcupine-man,” Tsukishima winked as he left, making Iwaizumi stand up to protest. It was too late, the string bean was already gone and Sakusa left straight after without saying a word, just a wave towards the general direction of the room.

As Hajime packed up his guitar, he could feel Terushima’s eyes on the back of his head. “What is it, Yuji?” He asked flatly, not even turning around.

“You’re so stiff,” he frowned. “I just wanted to say I dig the new song, man.”

Hajime turned towards him. “What’s the ‘but’?”

“The b—“ Terushima paused. “You really need to tell whoever you’re singing about. Like, dude, those’re a lot of repressed feelings, bro.”

Iwaizumi was always baffled at how intuitive Terushima could be. He was an idiot most of the time, but he noticed the smallest of things that not even the smartest of people ever seemed to grasp onto. It was kind of annoying. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he lied. He had to admit part of him wanted to open up to someone about his feelings, he wanted to let them out. Ten years was too long to keep a secret like this. However, Terushima Yuji was the last person he wanted to open up to. 

“Suit yourself,” the blonde with the undercut shrugged. He shouldered his bass case and stuck his tongue out, his piercing glistening. “I’ll see you next week, my guy, remember to lock up—“ he threw him the keys. “—love you, bro!” He shot him finger guns and just like that, he was gone too.

The studio was too quiet for Hajime’s loud mind.

He made sure to clean up as quickly as he could before locking the studio and getting into his mother’s car. He pressed his forehead to the steering wheel. “Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.” It was sort of a ritual for Hajime to call himself out for having feelings. He didn’t like it. He tried to train his body to stop having them. It wasn’t working. 

The radio turned on as the engine did and Iwaizumi turned the volume all the way up, screaming along to the lyrics of some song from his childhood, his throat burning a little bit and his chest tightening and releasing as he took strained breaths. It was kind of cathartic to let everything out without explicitly having to express it. It was Hajime’s only output and he was okay with it. It wasn’t because he didn’t have anyone to talk to, it was just because he didn’t _want_ to. Because talking about it would make it real. 

And Iwaizumi really didn’t want it to be real.

When he got home, he stuck his head out of his window and knocked on Oikawa, watching him fall off his bed in fear. The other boy opened his window. “You scared the heck out of me, Iwa-chan,” he laughed softly. “What’s up?”

“Is this a jeans and t-shirt kinda thing or?” 

Tooru smiled. “Yeah, it’s not fancy in the least,” he said. “You still have drinks, right? We can bring those to Daichi’s.”

Hajime nodded. He didn’t remember agreeing to letting others into his booze stash but _sure_ , fine, whatever. They can have his drinks if Tooru wants them to have his drinks. He didn’t wanna be in a bad mood so he just nodded. “Sure,” he leaned back into his room. “Can you text me the address so I can check if we need gas or not?” 

“Yeah!” He picked up his phone. “It shouldn’t be too far, I don’t even think we need the car.”

“Um, if I have to walk home with you drunk as the ass-crack of dawn I might punch myself in the face.”

“But don’t you think that if you’re gonna be drinking, maybe we shouldn’t drive?”

Iwaizumi paused, his mouth open. “Fair point,” he sighed. “Guess we’re walking.”

Sawamura’s house wasn’t far from theirs at all. Hajime was surprised they’d never passed by him on the street—maybe they had and just hadn’t noticed, he just thought it was strange that they didn’t even go to the same elementary school or play at the same parks or—it was probably because when they were younger, both Tooru and Hajime tried to find the most obscure and hidden places they could to play in. It all clicked in Iwaizumi’s mind and it was no longer weird.

No, still a little strange.

As soon as Daichi opened the door, they were instantly met with shouting and laughter coming from inside. The most prominent voice was one of Bokuto Kotarou, the lively Fukurodani captain from Tokyo. The two of them had only met a couple of times but he was a likeable guy with spiky hair and very yellow eyes. Iwaizumi liked to watch him try and figure out his surroundings. He wasn’t the smartest of boys, but he tried his best. He was one of the top five wing-spikers in the nation. _Now that_ , was something Hajime had always been jealous of.

They got into Daichi’s living room while he explained that both his parents were off on their anniversary trip and would be back next week. Iwaizumi recognised all of the boys present at the gathering. Over in the middle of the room were Kuroo Tetsuro and Bokuto Kotarou having an argument about which Disney princess was the best, while their respective boyfriends, Tsukishima Kei and Akaashi Keiji sat on the couch in silence, enjoying not having to talk. In the kitchen stood Kozume Kenma and Karasuno’s shortie, Hinata Shoyo, happily chatting away as Sugawara prepared the snacks. He watched Oikawa skip over to the kitchen to see Suga, greeting him with a kiss on the cheek and a hug from behind.

Iwaizumi looked away taking a beer out of the bag for himself and going to sit on the couch next to the other two quieter boys. “Hi, Iwaizumi-kun,” Akaashi nodded towards him. “You got another one of those?”

Iwaizumi reached into the bag. “Yep—wait you’re in like, oh fuck it, whatever,” he sighed. “Just don’t tell your parents.”

Akaashi scoffed out a lazy laugh. “I won’t.” He grabbed the beer. “I’ve drank before, you know?”

The other boy shrugged looking at his bandmate. “I don’t like beer.” The blonde held his hand up.

_You’re fifteen_ , Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. _Of course you don’t like beer_.

“I’m sixteen.” 

_Fuck, I said that out loud._

The doorbell rang again when Iwaizumi was through his third beer. He hadn’t eaten anything all day so when Daichi asked him to go get the door, it took Hajime a second to steady himself and walk towards the door in a straight line. He was sober in mind but his body was a little sloppy. “Terushima?” He opened the door, surprised to see his bassist holding up a bottle of vodka and a giant smile on his face. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Well, I’m a captain,” he started. “And I wasn’t added to the groupchat _but_ Tsukishima traded the info on this lil gathering in exchange for me to leave him alone, so, here I am!” Iwaizumi blinked in silence. “Are you gonna let me in, or?”

Kenma walked out of the kitchen and stood next to Hajime and narrowed his eyes at the tall blonde. “You’re from that team with no rules,” he said flatly. “The one we beat in the first round at nationals in first year.”

Terushima’s face dropped. “Oh, so not only was _I_ not invited, but you guys invited to guys from _Tokyo_? That’s harsh, man,” he scratched the back of his head. “Nice to see you again… cat, uh… boy. Meow.” 

Watching Yuji awkwardly wink at Kenma while the other boy walked off was painful enough. He just let him in. 

Once Terushima joined the party, the whole vibe changed. Both Bokuto and Kuroo were standing on the couches, screaming the wrong lyrics to the karaoke backing track while Terushima played air guitar on the empty bottle of vodka he’d brought. Sugawara and Oikawa were aggressively making out on the couch while Daichi, Akaashi, Tsukishima, Hinata and Kenma were playing cards against humanity on the floor in the corner of the room. Tsukishima was winning. Mainly because he came up with the most twisted answers he could find. 

Iwaizumi was the only one who wasn’t doing anything. He didn’t know what he was if he wasn’t with Tooru. He didn’t know what he wanted to do unless Tooru wanted to do it with him. It was kind of pathetic that he’d lost his personality. Kind of sad too, considering Tooru’s life was moving on without him and there was nothing Hajime could do to stop it. He was growing up and Iwaizumi was staying the same. How pathetic is that?

The couch next to Hajime dipped and Terushima tipped his head back and looked over at his friend. “You look absolutely miserable, bro,” he chuckled. Hajime gave him a sour glare. “I think I’ve figured out who you’ve been writing about, that’s rough.”

“Did you have a point?”

Terushima sat up and turned his body towards Iwaizumi, his legs crossed. “Kiss me.”

Hajime choked on his beer. “Excuse you?”

“Listen, everyone here’s got someone—except that Daichi, he’s stuck playing with the kids but I don’t know how to even start with _him_ —“ he paused. “—anyway, not the point. Just make out with me, we can do whatever, it doesn’t have to mean anything, no strings.” He licked his lips, his piercing peaking out. Iwaizumi’s stomach dropped. _I can’t believe I’m considering this_. He’d never done anything like this on a whim. Actually he’d never done anything like this, ever. Most of the things he’d done were Tooru’s ideas. _With Terushima? Am I sane? What’s wrong with me?_

There was so much alcohol in Hajime’s veins that his heart may have been beating slower but the room was spinning so fast. He straightened his back, looking at Terushima, then down at his lips and then back up at his eyes. He was being serious, but then again, no one was more wild than Terushima, did Iwaizumi want to do this? Would this solve any of his problems? No, probably not. But it would pass the time. It would get his mind off of other things. It would be a good distraction.

“Dude, you’re definitely thinking about this too much, are you gonna—“

Iwaizumi’s eyes were wide open when he connected his and Terushima’s lips. It took Terushima only a second to adjust to this and lean forward, his tongue instantly pressing against Iwaizumi’s, his piercing cold as their tongues danced together. Their hands grasped at each other shirt’s and their breaths were heavy. Iwaizumi’s body was acting on his own, as if he’d been waiting to do this for his whole life. Maybe not with Terushima but he was going to take what he was given.

“You wanna go somewhere else?” Iwaizumi’s eyes were glossed over and wide, his pupils large. Terushima smirked. 

_Oh this may be the worst idea I’ve ever had,_ Hajime thought to himself. _Fuck it_.


	4. overwhelmed

Laying besides Terushima Yuji was very different than lying next to Oikawa Tooru.

The main difference was that with the former, both him and Iwaizumi were naked, and with the latter, the most undressed they’d been together in bed was in their boxers and a t-shirt. Iwaizumi didn’t mind being naked with Terushima. It was a strange feeling, and an even stranger situation, but thankfully the boy laying next to him didn’t have one ounce of judgement on his face and he made Hajime feel much more comfortable than he’d expected.

Iwaizumi thought he’d probably have a crush on him if he weren’t already painfully in love with his best friend.

“Hm, let me think,” Yuji replied to the question, staring at the ceiling in thought. “Oh! Actually last night I had a pretty terrifying dream; I was going to the toilet to take a shit—as you do—and a rat tried to climb into my ass-“

“Oh, my god—that’s way more than I asked!” Iwaizumi felt a little disgusted but he was still laughing, looking at his bandmate from the corner of his eye. “You have a twisted mind, Yuji, I tell you that,” he wheezed and Terushima joined him. “You might wanna get that checked.”

Terushima stretched his arms up to the ceiling with a smile. “Honestly, I just think it means I’m scared of rats,” he turned to face Hajime, his eyes wide and brilliant in the dim light of the room. “How ‘bout you? What was the weirdest dream you’ve had?”

Hajime thought about it for a second. He’d never really had many dreams, and if he did he always forgot about them. To be honest, Iwaizumi had always been glad he wasn’t a dreamer because of Tooru’s night terrors. Once you’ve heard a person scream like that, you’ll be glad to never have to see anything behind your eyelids at night. “I don’t think I’ve ever had a weird dream.”

The other boy huffed, punching Hajime on the shoulder lightly. “Liar,” he pushed. “Everyone’s had at least one weird dream.”

“Well, I mean, there was this one…” he started. This was a dream he didn’t like to think about because it confused the hell out of him. “So this was a couple years ago, just before our first spring tournament qualifiers—I was dressed in red and at first I thought it was blood but… well, it wasn’t. We were in a pitch black room and I felt my heart beating so fast that my head started to hurt, and then I saw Tooru. And I don’t know how this happened but my heart _literally_ jumped out of my chest and Tooru just looked at it and—stepped on it.”

There was a second of silence, where Terushima had just realised this dream was way heavier than he’d imagined and didn’t know how to respond.

“Then he left me in the dark room alone, and I was crying and then I woke up,” he sighed. “Pretty weird, huh?”

Terushima swallowed awkwardly. “So this thing with your best friend is more than just a crush, huh,” he chuckled breathily. “You kinda sound like you’re—like, in love with him or something, bro.” His tone was different from how Hajime usually knew it. It sounded a little disappointed but Iwaizumi shook it off because that sounded unreasonable. _Why would he be disappointed?_

“I cannot believe you’re the only person that knows,” Hajime said, half to himself. “Fuck it, yes, it’s been almost ten years—and it doesn’t seem to be going away, either. Trust me, I’ve tried.”

Terushima considered this for a moment. “But you’ve never been with anyone else?” Hajime shook his head. “Then you haven’t _really_ tried, have you?”

“What?”

“Well, they say the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else, no?” He sat up, looking down at Iwaizumi who was propped up on his elbows. “Date me for a little bit. Either to make him jealous or waste time or get over him. I don’t mind, you can use me for whatever. Plus, you’ll need someone to spend time with now that Oikawa-san is so busy with Sugawara-kun.”

Hajime felt as if he’d just been hit in the head a hundred times with a baseball bat. The room was spinning a little bit, he didn’t understand Terushima’s request—or rather, he didn’t understand what Terushima was _gaining_ from all of this. Iwaizumi didn’t think he wanted to sleep with Yuji again, he thought this was probably a one time thing, but Yuji seemed to want to keep going in one way or another and Hajime could not, for the life of him, figure out why. Terushima had a hundred people waiting on him to call. He was popular when it came to romance, there was no reason for him to want Hajime for more than just tonight.

“You’re crazy,” he laughed.

“I’m just saying.”

Iwaizumi was looking down at Terushima sleeping as he zipped up his pants and slipped on his hoodie. He felt like a criminal, sneaking out like this but he didn’t really feel like talking about it anymore and it was a little awkward after Yuji basically asked him to be his boyfriend and Hajime didn’t really know how to deal with feelings, so he escaped instead.

When he got downstairs, he saw Oikawa and Sugawara on the couch, the TV on and Suga’s head on Tooru’s lap. Oikawa was awake, obviously, he couldn’t sleep in his own bed, never mind on some couch in a house he’d never been to before tonight. They looked each other in the eyes and after a second, Tooru smirked over at Hajime who was standing in the hallway. “Fun night?”

Hajime’s heart jumped to his throat. “Not particularly. Are you ready to go?”

“Don’t lie, I saw you going upstairs with Terushima-kun, how was it?” He wiggled his eyebrows. Iwaizumi felt uncomfortable.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said in his usual dead tone, trying to keep his face as expressionless as possible. “Are you ready to go or not?”

Tooru rolled his eyes and then looked down at the grey haired boy on his lap. His thumb was drawing circles on his shoulder and his lips formed a soft smile. Iwaizumi’s heart yearned. _God, I wish that were me_. Tooru turned his gaze back to his best friend. “Go ahead without me,” he said quietly, his face happy. “I’ll stay with him.”

Those words hurt Hajime more than he’d ever imagined Tooru could hurt him. “Whatever,” he said, his voice stuck in his throat. Then, he just walked towards the front door and sped out of the house, his throat tight and his mouth dry, his eyes threatening to spill. He hated this feeling. He wanted to be happy that Tooru was happy, and he hated himself for hating him for it. He hated himself for being so childish— _selfish_ , even. He didn’t want to be a _pick me_ person, he didn’t want to be _that_ guy. 

He always ended up being everything he hated.

That was the sad truth.

The walk home was depressing, to say the least. Hajime kicked every rock and piece of trash he came across, whimpers pushing out of his throat as he tried not to cry. He was the unlucky protagonist of a twisted romantic comedy about a life with no direction and unrequited love. He wondered what kind of sick bastard would watch this movie and enjoy it. His palms were sweating and his shoulders were hunched, tense, hurt. He felt cold even if the air was warm and his ears felt as if they’d blown out.

What was this feeling?

Iwaizumi wondered why now these feelings had amplified, when he did so well to hide them for so many years. He wondered why now he felt like he was dying every time he say his best friend touching someone else. Why now did he want to cry at every minor inconvenience. Had he become such a crybaby that he couldn’t handle rejection? Or was it maybe the fact that he was a coward for not being able to speak out that was pressing him down the most? Whatever it was, Hajime hoped he could figure it out sooner than later.

He knew he was _really_ going mad when he started considering actually dating Terushima Yuji as a way to distract himself from his Lover’s Doom. He may have been a dick, but he would never use a person like that. Then again, Yuji was the one that brought it up. But it was crazy, right? He definitely didn’t mean it. It was bad enough his first time was with the bassist in his band, a guy he usually just made fun of for his casual hook ups. This night was torture. 

Hajime pinched his own arm.

Nothing.

He pinched it again.

Still nothing.

“I’m awake,” he breathed out to himself as he stumbled down the dark street, cars passing by at full speed. He had only the orange glow of the road to guide him home. It didn’t feel like enough of a shield for him to hide behind. All this darkness and he was still too afraid to let his feelings out. All this silence and he was still afraid to scream. All this effort to conceal the purest, most innocent feeling he’d ever felt.

_Love._

_Love, love, love._

He understood what people meant when they said "there’s a thin line between love and hate.” It was a cruel line. His own feelings were driving him towards hate for his best friend. Hate because his love wasn’t enough. Hate because he could do something Iwaizumi had been building himself up to for years. Hate because Tooru was in love. Hate because Tooru knew nothing about the person Iwaizumi had become.

He felt like he’d been hiding, constantly just following Tooru around because he didn’t want to be left behind. He wondered where the abandonment issues came from. When along the road his tough exterior and cool presence became a shield for his anxiety. Became walls of disguise for the hatred he had for himself. When did he stop letting himself feel emotions? When did he decide that he wasn’t worth feeling all that he felt? When did he stop putting himself first?

Deep down he knew exactly when.

Love isn’t life through coloured glasses, love is stress, it’s worry, it’s blood, it’s water, it’s fleeting and constant at the same time. And the day he fell in love with Tooru was the day he started putting him first and neglecting himself. It was something stronger than he could ever be. Maybe it wasn’t healthy. Maybe it was a little obsessive. Hajime really didn’t know. He just wanted control over himself again. He wanted to let Tooru be happy but he also wanted to be happy himself. He was tired of the constant stress and torture he put himself through everyday.

He got home just before the clock hit one in the morning. His mother was still in the living room, her eyes glued to the television as she watched some horror movie from the 50’s and talked to the characters softly as if she could convince them to make better decisions. It made Hajime smile. He sauntered towards her slowly, his back hunched and he curled up next to his mother—who took one look at him and paused the film, wrapping her arms around her son. “It’s settled in, hasn’t it?” She asked, Hajime barely looked up. “You’ve accepted that Tooru’s moved on.”

A sob escaped the spiky haired boy’s lips. It surprised both of them but Hajime’s mother was quick to respond, her arms tightening around his bigger frame. There was a moment as she sat with her sobbing son that she realised how much he’d grown. She remembered his little body lying in bed with her as his father was out for the night. She remembered putting him on her shoulders and flying him around and she remembered playing with him and helping him to do his homework. A mother feels all of her child’s feelings a hundred times more than they do. Her heart ached for her son’s first heartbreak. She didn’t say anything.

Hajime wasn’t a loud crier. He didn’t feel publicly. It was tough for him to make himself the centre of attention. So when he hid his face in his mother’s shoulder, she barely heard a thing. If she weren’t holding him and couldn’t feel the slight tremble of his shoulders, she would think he’d probably fallen asleep. She unpaused the film, her hand still rubbing his back. They were silent, other than when she made a comment on the film and Hajime laughed a little bit. 

He was a lucky boy. Even if he didn’t get to date the boy he liked. He still had love. He had so much love. 

-

The morning after, Tooru didn’t come over. No word from him, no call, no text, nothing.

When the disappointment settled in, Hajime thought it was probably better that way. He needed a second to take care of himself and that healing had to happen without the most important person in his life. He felt a little bit like a drug-addict. Not being around Tooru all the time was weird and lonely, he hated it. It took everything in him not to pick up his phone and call. He kept looking out of his window into Tooru’s and the windows were closed.

He went downstairs.

“Morning, son-shine!”

It was a twist on _sunshine_. Because he was her son. You get it.

Hajime and his mother had the exact same eyes. Same shape and half-lidded gaze. Same wrinkles when they smiled. Same kind of caramel gold colour. However, her face was much rounder than his and she looked more _kind_ where Hajime looked threatening. She was a fierce woman, but she was compassionate. “I picked some fresh blackberries from our bush in the garden, you want them on toast?”

That made Hajime smile. It was his childhood breakfast. Buttered toast with squashed blackberries and sugar. The best breakfast to make anyone feel better after a horrible night. Especially considering Iwaizumi’s looming hangover, and his pounding head. He nodded slowly, his eyes as lively as they could be while they squinted from the light in the kitchen. “Yes please,” he said quietly.

Within minutes, she was sitting across the table from him, watching him take a bite of his breakfast. “Did you sleep okay?” Hajime just hummed. “Any news from, you-know-who?”

Hajime’s shoulders deflated and he rolled his eyes. “Mom, you can say his name, I’m not gonna break.”

“Sorry, sorry, we’ve never dealt with anything like this before, I just didn’t know the rules.”

Her son gave out a short, breathy laugh. “No, I haven’t heard from Tooru.” He swallowed his food. “His curtains are closed.”

“What? Really?” Hajime nodded. “I didn’t even know Tooru _had_ curtains!”

No one ever talked about it but Iwaizumi Hajime was a pretty boy. He had long eyelashes that fluttered when he laughed, his cheeks turned red when anyone complemented him and his hair was surprisingly soft, considering how much hair gel he put in it every morning. His skin was fair, but smooth and his jawline was sharp but not too edgy. He was the perfect balance of pretty and _hot_ , but because of his demeanour, people looked past that and just thought about him as intimidating. 

Right now, as his mother spoke to him and they joked together, Iwaizumi’s eyes stuck to the table, as if afraid that if he were to make eye contact he would break again, but his eyelashes were almost grazing the tops of his cheeks. His hair was wet from his shower and hanging over his face, the longer strands tucked behind his ears and a sweatshirt that was too big for him hugged his body. His mother was proud of the man he’d become, though in her eyes, he would always be the little boy who watched Godzilla for the first time at eleven and never stopped talking about it to this day.

“You got any plans for today?” She asked her son as she took his plate and placed it in the sink. “Your father has the night off and we were thinking we get really dressed up and go have dinner at a really fancy restaurant, just because. We haven’t had a family night in _years_.”

Hajime’s father was a firefighter, meaning he was on duty most of the time. Tonight, though, was their twentieth wedding anniversary. He was sure his mother thought he’d forgotten, but Hajime could never. All of his relationship standards came from them, maybe that’s why they were so unrealistic. Childhood friends to lovers—as if.

It wasn’t something he would openly admit, but Hajime was happy about this idea. He wanted to hang out with his family, it was probably the best way to stop thinking. He needed some time for just himself. This was good. Things were looking up.

Hajime’s dad got home at around six and after the three of them sat on the couch and chatted for about an hour, they all retreated into their own rooms to get ready. Iwaizumi in a suit was something he could never get used to himself. He looked so proper and tidy. Nothing like the ruffian he usually was. He kind of liked it. He remembered the first time him and Tooru put on a suit. They spend ten minutes shouting “I am Bond. James Bond.” back and forth to each other until their parents came upstairs to collect them.

A small smile formed on his face at the memory. 

“Hajime! You ready?” His dad peaked his face in. Hajime’s father had the same face structure and build as his son, except he was a lot more muscled than Hajime was, but that was due to years in the service. His eyes were much rounder than Hajime’s but the rest of him was still there. The younger boy only started spiking his own hair up because of his father. 

The restaurant was in the centre of a giant hotel with a skylight metres and metres above them. It was beautiful. The candles on each table were gleaming, the pillars stood tall and strong, a pale cream colour that matched the marble floors, and they lead up to the balconies of each floor of the hotel. It was truly magnificent.

The Iwaizumi family was in no way rich. However, they barely ever went out so when they did, they liked to make an effort. It was always worth it.

They sat down to eat and Hajime’s father instantly dove into a lively telling of one of the adventures he’d had at work in the past week. As Hajime listened, he felt like a kid again, his eyes gleamed and his mouth was slightly agape, while his mother had her chin propped on her hands, her focus on her husband. They laughed together, they drank a little bit and they had food none of them could ever imagine being that good. It was probably what Hajime needed most right now and thankfully, it’s exactly what he got.

“Yeah, it was bad!” Iwaizumi defended as his parents laughed at his story. “I almost fell down the stairs!”

His mother tried to speak between giggles. “You’re being dramatic, all I did was jump out from behind the wall!”

“You gave me a _heart attack_ , that’s hardly fair!”

Hajime felt his father grab his shoulder and shake him a little with a laugh. “Don’t worry, kiddo, she’s almost killed me like that countless times.”

“So I’m not the only one!” Hajime turned back to his mother. “You are a _menace_ , mother.”

After dessert, Iwaizumi excused himself to the bathroom and just as he was about to leave, his phone buzzed twice.

**_Milkbread Dumbass sent you a snap! (1 min ago)_ **

**_Unopened Message from Terushima Yuji (2 min ago)_ **

That’s not ironic at all.

He opened Tooru’s message first, maybe he did it a little too fast, but he didn’t care. He hadn’t spoken to him all day.

What he saw was a picture of Tooru holding up a peace sign in the glow of Sugawara’s purple LEDs in his bedroom while Suga smiled in the background, his eyes squinted and all of his teeth showing. If he didn’t resent the idea of his best friend dating someone other than him, Iwaizumi would’ve thought they looked pretty cute together. 

_Sorry I haven’t been in touch all day! Been with this one <3_

Iwaizumi didn’t reply.

He opened Terushima’s message.

_**[Terushima Yuji]** you got an answer for me yet?_

Iwaizumi Hajime wanted to smack his face into a wall at super speed until he lost consciousness.

Instead, he just locked his phone and went back to his parents.


	5. used

In a week, Terushima had made it a habit to sit on Iwaizumi’s bed and watch him tune his guitar. He was always so focused on the strings that he barely even noticed Yuji staring at him, crosslegged with his chin on his hand. The truth was that Hajime was trying to ignore him. He didn’t exactly know how to handle the extra attention from someone other than Tooru and it was stressing him out.

“Would you ever write a song about me?”

Hajime froze, the guitar string he was tuning ringing out into the room. He looked up with a blank look. “Why would I write a song about you?”

The blonde boy with an undercut shrugged. Hajime had realised he was much smaller than he’d ever expected him to be. His personality made Yuji a big person, but he himself was actually a skinny boy, his arms were thinner than expected, just as his legs were slender—he was still built, all those years of volleyball weren’t for nothing, but he was small. His t-shirts almost drowned him and his sweatpants were loose around his waist. He was a little shorter than Iwaizumi but his shoulders spread a little wider. He was hot, there was no denying it. Hajime wanted to punch himself for not wanting to date him for real.

“I just thought, y’know, since I _am_ your boyfriend now-“

“Fake boyfriend.”

Yuji huffed. “You still get the benefits though,” he grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. “I just think it would only be right for you to write a song about me.”

Iwaizumi’s eyes gleamed with mischief as he straightened his back and strummed his newly tuned guitar. “No, no, you’re right, Yuji,” he cleared his throat. “This song is called _Tongue-Pierced Fuckboy_.” 

Terushima threw a pillow at his head.

All joking aside, Iwaizumi did enjoy the time he spent with Terushima. The two of them got along well and for every extroverted thing Yuji embarrassed himself with, Iwaizumi balanced him out just as well with his introverted nature. They talked about nothing and everything. Nothing serious but every dumb thought that came to either of their minds. He even managed to get along well with Hajime’s mother, who was tough to impress. Honestly, she was just glad her son was making more friends.

Tonight, the boys had agreed upon a movie night at Hajime’s house. Nothing special, just a reason for Iwaizumi to stare into Tooru’s bedroom and see if he was getting home tonight or if he was staying with Sugawara again. He really hated having to sleep in his own bed alone, so for the most part, he was glad Terushima wasn’t eager about going home. They had an unspoken rule where they didn’t talk about anything _too_ deep, though both of them grew more curious about the other by the day.

They didn’t really do anything relationship-like. Their ‘dates’ were really just them hanging out and they never really kissed or held hands unless they were around Tooru, just to see his reactions. Of course, though, Tooru had been too busy to hang out with them so they never really had a reason to do any of that. 

Though, as they walked to and from shops or rehearsal or even home together, Terushima did get a little touchy. Iwaizumi always just assumed that’s what he was like as a person, but the more it happened, the more he was starting to think this wasn’t all so fake to Yuji. He pushed the feeling away and let his arm be grabbed as they walked, or his hair be fixed as they talked. He let Terushima look at him in the eyes like he was the only person in the room. He let everything happen.

Every time Hajime was alone, he felt like the worst person in existence.

“What’re we watching?” Hajime’s shoulders tensed as he heard a voice over the film him and Yuji had started no longer than twenty minutes ago. He turned to see Oikawa sitting on the windowsill. It was dark but his face was a little red and his eyes sort of swollen. He’d been crying. It wouldn’t have looked obvious to anyone else but Hajime knew Tooru _better_ than anyone else. He paused the film and opened his mouth to speak and then his bedroom door opened.

“Okay so your mom didn’t have any sweet popcorn, much to my dismay, but here—“ Terushima walked back into the room with a bowl of pop corn he’d just made. This was a film he’d already seen so he insisted Hajime go on without him while he made snacks. “—oh, hey Oikawa-san.”

There was an awkward tension in the room. Hajime didn’t know if he should feel happy that Tooru came to him, upset that he was only here for comfort or annoyed because he had to pause the film. There was also the fact that Yuji was here, which made the situation a hundred times worse from where Hajime was sitting on the floor. _Why me? Why me?_ He was screaming in his own head but his face was blank.

“Oh, hm, hey Terushima-kun,” he gave out a breathy laugh. “I didn’t know you were here, I’ll just go-“

He turned and stepped back out of the window. “No, wait-“ Hajime felt himself reaching forward for his best friend, but he was interrupted by Terushima smiling and waving the other boy goodbye.

“Bye, ‘Kawa-san!”

The two of them watched the rest of the movie, thought Hajime wasn’t really paying attention. He kept stealing glances towards Tooru’s room to see if he was doing okay but the light was off and the only glow he could see was from Oikawa’s laptop screen. He was probably listening to his sad playlist of slowed down songs. Hajime wanted to crawl under a bus for knowing that.

When Terushima drifted off to sleep, hours later, Iwaizumi found himself staring at the ceiling. He’d never been one to find it hard to sleep, but tonight his mind was racing. He didn’t want to go over to him, he wanted to stay right where he was, but the urge to help Tooru and be by his side was instinct by now. It was something he’d always done. So he sneaked out of bed and reached over to open Tooru’s half closed window and crawled through quietly

Just as he’d imagined, Tooru’s laptop was open on his YouTube playlist and he was curled up in the corner of the bed next to the wall, his headphones in and quietly sniffling to himself. Hajime sat on his bed, making Tooru flinch to turn around. “You’re a masochist.” He laughed to himself. He wasn’t looking at Tooru who had just taken off his headphones. “You feel pain so you listen to music that will make you feel even worse.”

“It makes it easier for me to cry,” he swallowed quietly, a little smile on his face as he turned on the bedside lamp. 

Tooru’s room had more or less always looked the same. On one wall were countless pictures and posters of aliens, shelves full of figurines from various sci-fi TV shows he’d obsessed over through the years, while the other walls were plain and painted a light blue colour. There were coloured LEDs all around the top rim of his bedroom and his little twin sized bed was squashed to the wall so he didn’t have to worry about monsters coming at him from behind. There was a giant alien rug on the ground covering some of his hardwood floors and the room was clean overall. The only messy thing in there was his desk, he would sit there for hours and hours writing but no one was ever allowed to read it, not even Iwaizumi. He’d been curious about it all his life but once they reached fifteen, Hajime had given up on trying to find out.

“Why _are_ you crying, Tooru?”

Oikawa’s face softened when Iwaizumi used his first name without a vulgar twist or a funny nickname. It wasn’t something he did often, especially in that tone. He chewed on his lip, his legs crossed in front of him, covered by a fluffy blanket Hajime remembered buying for him a couple of years ago because he thought the’d like it. So much in this room belonged to Hajime, just like so much in Hajime’s room belonged to Tooru. The two of them had just gotten used to sharing everything, though it would seem Tooru had found it much easier to keep some things to himself.

“I’ve just had a pretty bad night,” his hand made its way into his own hair, still soft but tangled a little bit, making his fingers get stuck on the way out. He wasn’t really looking at Hajime, but his big round eyes seemed darker than usual. Hajime couldn’t tell if he was sad or angry, probably a mixture of both. He also couldn’t help this feeling that was bubbling up in his stomach, the same feeling he’d had when he chased off Tooru’s bullies in elementary school or when he wanted to fight his teachers for giving Tooru a bad grade and making him sad. It was an unreasonable and unthinkable feeling but it was like second nature to Hajime and there was no escaping it. “Is Terushima still in your room?”

“Yeah, he sleeps like a log, there’s no waking him once he’s out,” Hajime sighed, not really thinking about Yuji at all. He could hear the music through his best friend’s headphones, it was pretty loud. “My _God,_ Oikawa, you’re gonna blow out your eardrums if you listen to music this loudly!”

“Jeez, when did you become such a grandma, Iwa-chan?” Tooru punched his friend’s shoulder lightly, his face already softening and the negativity slowly going away. Iwaizumi gave him his usual death glare that made his friend backtrack and laugh, while raising his hands up in defence. Though it was hard for Oikawa to express his own emotions, he cried quite easily. He never liked to talk about it but if anyone ever even raised their voice at him, his eyes would well up within seconds. He had a problem with authority, it probably came from his issues with his dad. Another thing he didn’t talk about. “Thank you for coming over tonight, I really needed you.

_He needed me._

Iwaizumi tried to ignore the fluttering in his stomach and he wrapped his arm around his best friend, a little roughly, just like always, roughing up his hair with the other hand. “That’s what I’m here for, you dumbass,” he grinned his usual toothy grin, one that not many had seen except for Tooru and their parents. For a moment, Iwaizumi felt as if everything had gone back to normal. As if he’d gotten his best friend back for good—then he asked the question he dreaded hearing the answer to. “Did Sugawara do something?”

Tooru looked up, as if he too had forgotten about the grey-haired boy, and suddenly Iwaizumi’s shoulder felt cold. “Koushi? No, that boy’s an angel,” he smiled, looking down at his hands. Hajime’s stomach dropped. “I got into a huge argument with mom and she was kind enough to remind me that I’m—“ he made quotation marks with his fingers—“just like my dad, as she put it.”

Hajime’s lips formed an O shape, but he didn’t say anything. He’d never really known Tooru’s father, he was always away and then one day when the boys were eleven, him and Tooru’s mother got a divorce and he never heard about him again. Tooru hardly spoke of him before, so after the divorce, that topic was completely shut down and never spoken about again. That’s why Iwaizumi was particularly shocked to hear about this turn of events.

“Yeah, I had the same reaction. Then I thought about it and suddenly I was really upset. I don’t know why, though.”

“Probably because of the repercussions of his absence on your personal growth,” Iwaizumi said quietly without even really thinking about what he was saying. He looked up, wide-eyed and apologetic. “Sorry, didn’t mean to psychoanalyse.”

But Tooru was smiling. “You really are the cleverest person I’ve ever met.”

“Most clever.”

“You do realise they’re both correct, don’t you?”

“Most clever sounds better.”

“But still-“

“Shut up, Loserkawa.”

Hajime snuck back into his bedroom window without a wink of sleep at around 7:30AM and crashed next to Terushima who was taking up most of the bed. When he pushed him slightly to get him out of the way, Yuji shuffled, his eyes still closed and he grabbed onto Hajime’s arm, snuggling his face into his shoulder and sighing contently. Hajime was too tired to respond so he let him. 

Being touch-starved was turning him into a complete asshole.

Iwaizumi didn’t exactly dream of anything as he slept, though his heart was beating awfully fast and Terushima seemed worried when he shook him awake not an hour after he went to bed. “Hey, you okay?” Yuji looked worried, he was kneeling over Iwaizumi, his hands on his arm. “You were mumbling something and then it sounded like you were crying. Bad dream?”

Iwaizumi felt disoriented. The sun had risen already but it was still dark in his room, especially since there was no way for the sun to come in, considering how close his and Tooru’s house were. He sat up slowly, scratching the back of his head in confusion and yawning. He was a little sweaty but he couldn’t tell if that was from the heat of the summer or from the supposed nightmare. “Uh, yeah… I think so,” he forced a smile onto his face so not to make Yuji worried but from the other boy’s reaction, he realised it probably looked like a scowl. “What was I saying?”

“Nothing really,” he lied back down, their shoulders touching. “You were mainly just slobbering words out. You did say _Tooru_ a bunch of times, though.”

_Great_. He smacked himself in the face. So now his yearning, his feelings his _burden,_ was bleeding into his sleep time. This was going to drive him insane, he just didn’t know how to fix it. Though, actually, he _did_ know how to fix it. He was just too chickenshit to do it. “Sorry about that.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t remember even dreaming about anything.”

“Oh,” he said quietly. “I hate when that happens.”

Iwaizumi just hummed in response. He turned on his side, looking at Terushima, trying to admire his side profile. His nose was slightly arched upward and his lips were thinner than Hajime’s but they were a pretty shade of pink that contrasted with his darker skin tone. The shadows of Hajime’s bedroom accentuated Terushima’s sharp jawline and the slopes of his eyes. His hand had a mind of its own when it traced past Yuji’s features, making him flinch a little bit and relax but a second later. 

In the week they’d been ‘dating’ the two of them hadn’t been intimate in any way. They’d kissed once or twice in front of their friends, but other than that, the touching was down to a minimum and nothing happened. However, as Terushima’s breath shuddered while Hajime’s fingers went down past his chin and over his collarbones, slightly tugging at Yuji’s shirt collar, Hajime knew that was about to change. He didn’t know why now. He knew his mom was at work. He knew Tooru had someone of his own. He knew he was alone. He knew Terushima was here for him.

“Now this is different,” Yuji smirked as Hajime straddled over him and looked down. There was a moment of tension where all they were doing was staring at each other, Hajime’s head full of thoughts. Mainly thoughts about how in love he was an how terrible he was being. Mainly thoughts of _who am I if I am not with Tooru_? For him, tonight didn’t mean anything romantic, really. For him, tonight was about figuring out how to fulfil his own needs as a person detached from his best friend. 

Who was Iwaizumi Hajime? What did he want? 

He ducked down, their lips connecting as Yuji lifted his head a little bit to deepen the kiss. Hajime felt the cold of his lip piercing was something he couldn’t get used to, no matter how many times they’d kissed. A shudder went through his body as Yuji tugged on the hem of his shirt and he took it off. His hands were in his hair and as he started kissing down Hajime’s neck and bare chest, he flipped the other boy over so he was on top, his hands on his wrists pinning him to the bed, a smile on his face as his eyes drank him in. 

Hajime’s heart was racing as he looked up at Yuji. 

And then he began to cry, which _really_ threw Terushima off.

_Why am I crying?_

Terushima got off him as quickly as possible, saying something to him, probably making sure he was okay but Hajime didn’t hear it. His eyes were spilling tears he’d held back for years and nothing was making sense. He got up quickly, his throat tight, blinking back the tears. 

_Why am I crying?_

The worst part was that he didn’t even want to be seen by Tooru like this. He didn’t want to be seen by anyone. He felt pathetic, he felt small, he felt like he didn’t even know who he was. Like he’d lost himself along the way. Like this was all wrong, none of this was supposed to happen. Not like this. He was supposed to be braver, he was supposed to be able to handle it all. He was supposed to be the strong one. The intimidating one.

Yet as the days went by, all he was—all he felt that he would ever be—was a coward.

He locked himself in the bathroom, sliding down the wall and tucking his knees to his chest. He wished he’d been more honest. He wished things were different. He wished he wouldn’t have to go it alone. He wished he weren’t using the only other person who cared about him to fulfil his own, stupid self-discovery. _I’m going to hell_. He’d never been like this before.

The only way to fix it, you ask?

Tell Oikawa. Tell your best friend that you want to give that all up so you can kiss him and hold his hand and hug him and lay with him as more than just his friend. As his partner. As his equal. As his soulmate. 

That sounded like a pretty childish task.


	6. sunset at the lake

“May I ask _why_ he’s here?” Hajime turned to the taller blonde boy who stood next to him with his hands in his pockets. His boyfriend, Kuroo Tetsuro had just ran off somewhere shouting about a chemistry-themed pencil case he wanted to bring to university with him in the fall. Iwaizumi didn’t understand him, though he had to admit he thought Kuroo was much cooler than he’d expected. Considering his looks and dark demeanour, he’d have expected him to be the type with a crippling fear of commitment, but no. Just a huge nerd.

Tsukishima shrugged. “I dunno, he just-“ he stopped himself. “Honestly, he’s only here for another week and we just wanted to spend time together.”

The fact that he ever said that out loud baffled Iwaizumi. They didn’t make eye-contact. Actually, they both felt a little uncomfortable. “Is the venue nearby?” Hajime changed the subject. Tsukishima took a big breath in, pushing his glasses up. He wasn’t really paying attention to this conversation so much as he was watching Kuroo pick up random things and to show to him from the other side of the store. 

“Uh, yeah. Sakusa talked to them yesterday, they said they have a free slot for Saturday next week.”

Hajime nodded, crossing his arms across his chest. “Right, that means we perform the set we’ve been rehearsing since the end of June and we add…”

“I say add Stars Through Rain.”

Iwaizumi froze. “I’ve barely finished that one.”

“So finish it,” Tsukishima blinked. “I’ve already sorted the backing track, all you need is the bridge and possibly one more verse. How hard is that? You’ve written so many, should be like second nature by now.” Hajime was glad when Tsukishima walked off to join Kuroo while he showed him guitar picks with dinosaurs on them. His stomach had dropped. That song was about his fear of the future and he was planning on finishing it when he wasn’t scared anymore, but it seemed the universe just liked pushing Hajime to his limits. 

The venue Sakusa had managed to book was one they’d never performed at. It was bigger than Hajime expected, it could house up to three hundred people plus the bar area. Iwaizumi was starting to get really excited. He wasn’t thinking about having to finish a song he had no end for. Playing in his band was the one thing he didn’t really have to worry about, it just felt easy and natural—just like volleyball always had. It was the one thing he had away from Tooru and somehow, that felt like a good thing now that he was trying to move his life on.

“Have you spoken to Yuji by any chance?” Tsukishima was refreshing the tab on his phone, he asked with no real interest.

Iwaizumi’s eyes widened, he hadn’t spoken to him since he had that meltdown a few days ago. “Eh, no, why d’you ask?”

“His private story on snapchat is getting super depressing.”

_I can’t believe that bastard removed me from his private story._ “That’s just Yuji though, he’d dramatic.”

“Fair.”

Kuroo came back from the bathroom a few minutes later, claiming he got lost on the way back. Neither of the other two boys really cared why it took Kuroo fifteen minutes to pee, they just wanted to head back and talk with the rest of the band before agreeing on their plans for the gig. They drove to the studio, Kuroo in the back seat singing the periodic table song to himself while Tsukishima quietly sung along and Iwaizumi sat quietly feeling more alone than he’d liked to admit.

_Mag-ne-si-um._

Once they got to the studio, Yuji kept stealing looks towards Hajime and looking away quickly when he looked back. It was getting tiring but Iwaizumi was the band lead and so he lead to the group meeting and they all agreed on a running order and somehow, Iwaizumi heard himself agreeing to finishing Stars Through Rain before the show. _It’ll be fine, it’ll be okay_. Kuroo gave him a thumbs up and a wink from the other side of the room. He looked a little menacing but it was fun to see when you actually knew him.

“Right, so Sakusa, you can handle transport again?” Hajime noted on his notepad as the boy in the corner of the room with the facemask nodded. His phone buzzed, he ignored it. “And Yuji and Tsukki you guys can go give the deposit on Wednesday, right?” He confirmed as both of them hummed in response. “Oh, actually if one of you stays behind, I can give my share for the deposit right away, I just got paid yesterday.”

Sometimes, when Tooru was busy, Hajime would babysit Oikawa’s nephew, Takeru. They were best friends at this point, both as snarky as each other. Takeru liked cookie-dough. Hajime learned how to make it with less sugar and better taste. It was a balanced friendship. Takeru’s mother didn’t really understand it but she didn’t question it because her son was having fun. The job also paid well and Hajime barely ever had to do anything. It was great.

He looked Terushima right in the eyes, singling him out so he would realise that meant _you stay so we can talk_ and Tsukishima seemed to get the message, in fact after the meeting, Hajime was left alone with his fake boyfriend and his guitar. “Are you mad at me?”

“Are you gonna start crying again?”

“That was low.”

“Sorry,” Terushima sighed and plopped down onto a chair in defeat. “I’m not mad at you.”

Hajime sat down on the floor to match up to Yuji’s gaze. It was a thing he used to do when Tooru was having a bad day. Not the point. “Then what is it? I haven’t gotten _one_ text from you all weekend, I was starting to get worried.”

“You didn’t text either!”

Hajime held up the message he’d sent on Friday night that was left on seen. “Actually, you’ve been ghosting me for three days.”

“Okay, so maybe I’m a little mad at you,” he pouted. Hajime’s expression didn’t change. He cared about Yuji, they were friends, he wanted him to be okay. He just didn’t understand why Yuji cared so much about him. There was no reason why he should get upset over a fake relationship. Of course, there was the fact that there was a slim chance this whole thing wasn’t so fake to Yuji but that was another thing Hajime was evading. “I just don’t understand you. I mean, one minute we’re making out and it’s all _nice_ , y’know, because, _God,_ confidence looks good on you—and then _bam!_ You’re crying? Was it me?”

Iwaizumi definitely wasn’t expecting Yuji to unload like this. “No, no, I can promise my crying had nothing to do with you,” _and everything to do with how much I hate myself._ He didn’t say the second part. “I just- I have a few problems I haven’t dealt with.”

“Like the fact that you’re in love with your best friend.”

“Okay, there is no need for you to call me out, I am _trying_ to be candid,” Hajime pinched the bridge of his nose. He hated talking about feelings but he was constantly surrounded by people who, seemingly, loved any emotion and needed to share it all the time. “Listen, I don’t know how to do feelings, okay? I’m not used to people who can’t read me, I literally hung around Tooru for my entire life and he can tell what I’m thinking in a split second.” _I’m talking about him again, God, what is wrong with me?_ “All I’m saying is, you need to be straight with me or else I won’t catch on.”

“There’s nothing straight about me.”

“Literally shut the fuck up.”

He hated these kinds of conversations. It’s why he never really went out with girls. His first girlfriend in the tenth grade called him in a panic and she was crying about something and he did not know how to handle it. It was the most uncomfortable twenty minutes of his life, he just wanted it to end. They broke up after a week. Boys weren’t any easier, they had just as many feelings and most of them were repressed. It was all an endless rollercoaster of emotions and Iwaizumi wanted to get off the ride.

He finally checked his phone when he got back into his mother’s car. Fifteen messages from Tooru and three missed calls.

He called him back. “You better have been getting murdered.”

Tooru laughed on the other side. “Hey, Iwa-chan, what’s up?”

“ _What’s up_? You called _me_ ,” Iwaizumi scoffed. “What did you need?”

“Did you not read any of my texts?”

“No.”

Tooru’s chuckle made Hajime’s stomach flip. “I figured. What’re you doing today?”

Hajime’s mind was racing. He didn’t know if hanging out with Tooru was a good idea. After all, he was trying to become a person apart from him, but it hadn’t been just them in so long that he was starting to miss him. If he hung out with him today would that slow him down? Would that make him pathetic? Would that make it all worse? He didn’t really care. It was Tooru. “No, I just finished all my errands for today. What did you have in mind?”

“ _Errands_ , alright grandma,” Oikawa mocked, Iwaizumi gave him a death glare through the phone. “Lake? I have, like, four boxes of pocky sticks. We can buy dinner on the way.”

“It’s four in the afternoon, why would we need dinner?”

“I was thinking we spend the whole night like we did when we were kids,” he paused. “But if you don’t want to, then-“

Iwaizumi spoke before his own brain could comprehend the words. “Of course I want to, Shittykawa. I’ll pick you up in ten.”

The lake was a spot the two boys had found randomly on a summer day what felt like a lifetime ago. They’d gotten lost on their bikes and Oikawa desperately needed a drink of water and somewhere to sit so the two of them walked their bikes into a forest and sat themselves down on a log next to a stream. Eventually, Iwaizumi had gotten tired of waiting for Tooru’s legs to rest that he’d followed the stream to the lake that ended up being their safe place. Iwaizumi pushed Tooru in. Tooru thought he was drowning. The lake was very shallow. Tooru forgot to put his feet down and forced Hajime to jump in after him.

The drive was one he was accustomed to, it was easy to remember. He’d sometimes joked he could do it with his eyes closed, but Tooru didn’t appreciate his humour and kept saying Hajime would get them killed. 

When Iwaizumi picked Tooru up, the sun was glowing orange and his best friend’s eyes had gone from a plain brown to a golden caramel colour that made Iwaizumi want to melt right there and then. He hated the effect this boy had on him, so he was glad he’d developed a stone-cold demeanour he could mask his feelings with. However, with every ticking second, his brain screamed, _coward, coward, coward._ Hajime wished he could just turn it off.

“Yahoo, Iwa-chan!” Tooru smiled as he ducked his head and got into the car. On his lap was a picnic basket, Iwaizumi thought bitterly that if this were a date, he would kiss him right now. Not a date. “I have snacks!”

“Snacks? You brought a buffet!” Hajime rolled his eyes as if by default, Tooru only waved him off, knowing he didn’t mean what he said maliciously. “So how come you wanted to do this little venture today? Did Koushi not wanna hang out?” He hoped that didn’t come off as petty as he was being. He hated himself.

Oikawa only laughed, rolling down the passenger window and sticking his face out slightly. He was prone to getting car sick, especially when he didn’t sleep, which—by the looks of him—Iwaizumi could tell he hadn’t in a while. “No, we were actually talking about how we may have been neglecting our friends lately.” He moved closer to Hajime with a frown and a crooked eyebrow. “Do you feel neglected?”

_Yes._ “What the fuck? No—get off me,” he pushed the softer boy with a small smile, making Oikawa give out a toothy grin, Iwaizumi could see his eyes practically sparkle from the corner of his vision. God, he was so effortlessly perfect. In every way. His jawline, his eyes, his hair—even his _ears_ were perfect. Hajime realised that may sound a little weird but he didn’t want to lie to himself. Every part of Tooru was a part Hajime was desperately, hopelessly, tirelessly in love with and he couldn’t escape it, no matter how hard he tried. “You got any of your mom’s nigiri in there?” He asked quietly, his focus completely fixed on the road.

Tooru gave out a childish hum of happiness and tapped the top of his basket. “Mom made them especially for you!”

It was times like these, Hajime felt the yearning particularly hard. It was no secret their parents had been rooting for the both of them to get together since they were young and every time they called their sons ’soulmates’ Iwaizumi felt a piece of himself slowly be burned away and become part of Tooru. He wished it were so much easier for him to express emotion. To put himself out there and be vulnerable so he could live out his perfect romance fantasy that his parents managed to have. Yet, every time he saw Tooru and his pretty smile and heard his smooth voice, it all became nerves and it just became easier to hit him or be mean as a way to avoid his feelings.

Maybe he was just hopeless.

They got to the lake not too long after and Oikawa skipped on ahead with his basket looking like he’d just stepped off a farm. _Who even wears a button up shirt in July?_ His hair had gotten longer, he could see the strands at the back peak from behind his collar and his smooth curls falling a little heavier on his head. It didn’t look bad, if anything it made him look younger than he was. That could also have been the lack of sleep. Tooru got painfully pale when he didn’t sleep.

The log was where it always was, smaller now that they’d gotten bigger but still right next to their stream, a little uphill from the lake. They sat down there first, Tooru set up the picnic, putting down a blanket and pulling out the food while Hajime desperately sprayed his arms and legs with anti-bug spray. He wasn’t the most outdoors-y person on the planet, but he tried his best. That’s why Tooru packed the spray.

After they’d sat down and Hajime began munching on a pocky stick, he began watching his best friend. He was a little slower today, his movements were calculated but ragged and his eyes looked a little red, his blinks tight and slow. He didn’t look good, at least not as good as he did when he slept. “Hey, Tooru?” Hajime piped up. He wasn’t sure why his tone was suddenly so soft. It seemed to shock Tooru just as much. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah…” he said, a little too quickly, trailing off at the end. “Why do I not look absolutely vibrant as always?”

Hajime grimaced at the joke. “Actually, no.”

Tooru frowned, Hajime felt a little sick.

“I know you hate me asking but I have to,” he gave out a breath, his eyes never leaving his best friend’s. “Have you been taking your pills?”

The softer boy hesitated for a moment but quickly realised there was no getting out of this. “No—but they make me feel so drowsy and dizzy all the time! The other day I was trying to take a cute walk with Koushi in the park and I had to sit down because my arms went all tingly and heavy and my head started spinning!” His voice was pitchy, his excuses were all valid, Hajime had seen the pills bother him before but if he didn’t sleep he was going to have bigger problems than just heavy arms. “Do you know how frustrating it is to go see a film and have to take a toilet break every fifteen minutes?”

“Why not get your prescription changed? These are clearly not working for you.”

“Again?” He sighed. “It’s the fourth time this year. They’re gonna run out of drugs to give me.”

Hajime put the pack of pocky sticks down with furrowed brows. “Tooru, this is an illness, it’s not something you can get over with hard work-“

“This is why I _hate_ talking about this with you,” he shut off. He always did when things got a little too personal. Also he got aggravated much more quickly when he was tired. “You always worry so much. I’m _fine_ , Iwa-chan. I’m perfectly okay. I’m-“ his voice cracked a little bit. Hajime’s gaze softened as he scooted closer to his friend, his back resting on the log and his eyes on the side of his face as he watched Tooru hold back tears. 

“You wanna nap together?” Hajime asked through gritted teeth. This was way out of his comfort zone, he didn’t want Tooru to think he was weird. “Like when we were kids, I mean. Maybe it’ll help.”

The look Tooru gave Hajime was one of complete naivety. It was childlike and gooey, something that Hajime fought hard not to look away from. It was something he didn’t know how to respond to, so he just gave him his half-lipped, crooked smile he always gave him when he felt awkward. “You’re a nice guy, Iwa-chan. I don’t care what people say,” Tooru put his head on his friend’s shoulder. 

“W-what? What do people say?”

“Sorry for shouting at you.”

“I shout at you all the time.”

“Hmm, it’s part of the reason I love you so much.”

_Platonic._ Platonic love, like it’s always been. But it made Iwaizumi’s entire body buzz with excitement. His stomach flip and his eyes well up a little bit. It was the kind of feeling that made your breath shake and your palms go all sweaty. It was the feeling girls in books had whenever a boy they liked smiled at them. Though, for Hajime, the feeling plunged back down into despair and loneliness. He was a little dramatic. Tooru’s love was platonic. 

“I love you, too, Loserkawa."

Not platonic. It was quiet, a whisper that was overshadowed by the running stream and the chirping birds and the far off traffic. But it wasn’t platonic.

Hajime wondered how long he could hold out before bursting. He had too many feelings. 


	7. rehearsal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the notes on this story are bugging out but thank you so much for all of the support so far!! i appreciate all of your comments and kudos, i'm so glad you're enjoying my story<3

Falling asleep next to Tooru was something Hajime had done countless times over the years. It was the default. Tooru could hardly sleep without Hajime and Hajime enjoyed having him around. His hair smelled like candy and hearing his breath steadying was something so calming that he could listen to it all the time and never get tired of it.

However, falling asleep with him wrapped in his arms and his head on Hajime’s chest was something completely new for Hajime. Sure the two of them had cuddled before and when they were children they would fall asleep like this all the time, but _now_ , at their big age of eighteen, both of them much more grown and much less confident about who they were, this felt much more intimate than it ever had before.

It took Tooru ages to fall asleep, Hajime wasn’t even sure he’d managed ten minutes, but he was just glad he could be there for him. After so long apart, he _needed_ this moment of nothingness with Tooru. It felt as if his whole body were finally relaxing and melting into Tooru’s. It was comforting. He was right here, in his arms. They were in their safe space, the place they called a home away from home. A place they could trust would be theirs forever. Away from anything bad. Any monsters. Any fears.

At least that’s what they’d said when they found the place.

Hajime hoped it would be true forever. At this moment in time, he was trembling on the inside, shaking because he was so scared of saying what was on his mind. Saying what he _really_ thought. Saying what he’d always wanted to say. Ever since he could remember, Hajime was known as Tooru’s quiet friend. The scary one. _He’s so mysterious. I wonder what he’s thinking_. Those were things Tooru had teased him about. Things he’d heard other kids say about Hajime. He just looked intimidating because he was constantly on his guard, trying to keep his mouth shut, go with the flow. He didn’t want to suddenly burst out with a confession or random bottled up feelings, so he just listened to Tooru talk.

He squashed himself, made himself as small as possible to make Tooru comfortable, but he’d never _really_ asked Tooru what he’d wanted. He was always left to wonder if there was ever a time where Tooru felt the same way. A time pocket where they could’ve been together. What if that had ended terribly and Hajime lost the only person that kept him sane?

Maybe Tooru was becoming more and more the person that made him insane, but that was a conversation for another day.

On Wednesday, Iwaizumi and the rest of the band had their first rehearsal at the venue before Saturday. It was strange to have such a huge empty space in front of him as he stood with his band and played his guitar. He still hadn’t finished the song. The others weren’t really saying anything but he himself was starting to get frustrated about his lack of imagination. He just didn’t want the end of the song to be meaningless, he wanted to write something that came from himself. Or his growth—or _something_. This had been a hard month.

Hajime walked off stage as Tsukishima discussed lighting with one of the crew members who were assigned to help the band. He went straight for his duffel bag, the Seijoh one he was finding it hard to let go of, and took a sip of water from his bottle. 

**[Loserkawa Tooru]** _why’d you turn off your location on find my friends:(_

Hajime rolled his eyes.

**[iwa-chan]** _i didn’t. there’s just bad connection in here._

_**[Loserkawa Tooru]** where are you?_

Hajime scoffed bitterly. The old Tooru would’ve remembered they had practice today—but Iwaizumi guessed his mind was filled with other things now that he had a boyfriend. He went to type another message.

**[Loserkawa Tooru]** _i was kidding, i know you’ve got your first rehearsal today._

Hajime blinked. _Fuck_.

_**[Loserkawa Tooru]** you mind if Koushi and i stop by? i heard Kuroo is at the rehearsal, i just wanna support my best bud!!!!!_

What was he supposed to say? No? Probably.

**[iwa-chan]** _do what you want i don’t care_

Iwaizumi basically ran to Terushima. 

The boy with the undercut was stood in his spot to the left of where Iwaizumi was supposed to stand, trying to tune his bass and squinting at the light that was constantly changing. He looked up and saw Tsukishima with a shit-eating grin on his face turning the spotlight on him on and off making it brighter and brighter every time. “You’re a little bitch! Stop it, four-eyes!” He shouted, pointing his finger forward. Tsukishima turned the light even brighter. “I’ll kill you!”

“I wanna see you try, Mr Fuckbaby.”

“What does that even _mean_?”

Hajime tugged on Yuji’s sleeve, making him flinch slightly and turn with confused eyes. “I need you to be my boyfriend.”

Yuji laughed, patting the top of Iwaizumi’s head. He fought so hard not to hit him. “I technically already _am_ your boyfriend.” He was blinking a lot, probably because his vision was hurt from Tsukishima’s bullying. “Why are you freaking out?” He ducked his head a little bit and knitted his eyebrows together. Yuji was a little shorter than Iwaizumi. Not a noticeable amount—but when they were standing this close to each other, it was a little more obvious to Hajime how small Yuji was when his personality wasn’t shining. 

“Tooru decided he wanted to drop by with his boyfriend and I need to not be focused on them.”

“You’ll be focused on them no matter how good I am at being your boyfriend,” he said with a small smile. He was being quiet. The light was still shifting.

Somewhere in the room, Kuroo turned to Bokuto with a tilted head. “Wait, Iwaizumi’s with Johzenji? I thought he was dating the Seijoh captain?” Bokuto only shrugged. He didn’t pay enough attention to what was happening around him to have a clear enough view of the world. He was okay with it. Kuroo was just nosey. Akaashi was on his phone.

“Just focus on the music and you’ll be okay!” Yuji gave Hajime a thumbs up. He’d been a little more hesitant to hold up his end of the deal ever since Hajime had that meltdown. He couldn’t blame him, but it sucked to have that little bit of safety and distraction taken away. Hajime suddenly felt like he was going to break in front of Oikawa _and_ Suga, and that was freaking him out much more than it was supposed to.

He thought maybe if this were a movie a fight might break out. Or Hajime would be so overwhelmed that he’d confess.

Luckily none of that happened. 

Because Oikawa never showed up.

At first Iwaizumi was kind of relieved that he didn’t have to deal with having to see his soulmate in a relationship with someone else, but the more he thought about it, the more pissed off he got. It was a slow build to his feelings. First he was on stage while they were trying something with the lights and as he heard Tsukishima and Yuji argue, he felt his fingers angrily picking at the strings. Then, while the other boys spoke to the manager, he spaced out, his eyes unfocused on a poster of a cat behind the counter and his nails were digging into his palms. Right before he snapped was when he was packing away his guitar and slammed the lid of the case shut, making Sakusa jump.

“Hey, dude, are you…” 

Before Yuji could even finish his sentence, Hajime was halfway out the door feeling like he was going to burst. Feeling like this every _goddamn_ day of his life, like he needed Tooru to live. He needed Tooru to tell him what to do and how to feel and who to hang out with. Those were all things that Oikawa had never explicitly decided for Hajime, but after years of following him around and doing what _he_ did, Hajime felt so alone, he thought his skin was gonna tare off his bones in an attempt to reach his best friend.

Best friend.

What did that even mean to Hajime?

Was it an excuse to cuddle up with a boy you like and call it platonic? Was it an excuse to talk about everything and anything? An excuse to cry and scream and be vulnerable? An excuse to not call himself alone? He kept feeling like a fraud because as much as he called Tooru his best friend, he was hiding the biggest thing in his life from him and that didn’t feel right at all. But then—what was the answer? End the friendship? Escape like nothing happened until all his feelings blew over and he could finally look at his favourite person in the _world_ in the face and honestly say he felt nothing but platonic love for him?

How long would that take? A month? A year? Ten? 

Would he have to spend his whole life trying to get as far away as possible from his feelings because, what? He didn’t want to face them?

_What. A. Coward._

He didn’t head home for a while. He drove around, the music blaring out of the speakers and his windows down as he screamed along to some _Mother Mother_ song that made him feel like a necessary member of society. He emptied his mind and just focused on the road, on himself, on what he needed in that moment. He focused on those cheesy montage scenes from the movies where characters finally found themselves and understood what they needed to do.

When he was younger, Hajime questioned everything and every single adult around him replied with the same bullshit. “When you’re older, you’ll understand.”

So far, in his two months of adulthood, he’d been more confused than he’d ever been in his life. And the more he thought about it, the more he realised, every single adult he’d ever met was more clueless than the next. Each and every one of them spent their days pretending and pushing forward, giving false hope to children who didn’t know any better.

But really, children probably know _way_ more than adults ever could. They have imagination.

Kids.

Maybe that would help.

Before he knew it, Hajime turned onto Oikawa Takeru’s road and got out of his car, knocking on the front door. It wasn’t too late, just before dinnertime, so Hajime knew Takeru would be home and awake. He felt so stupid going to a literal child for advice, but he was desperate and he was convince the boy could give better advice than a WikiHow page on _How To Get Over A Crush on Your Best Friend_. Plus, if he paid him enough, Takeru would keep his mouth shut and there would be no problem.

Takeru was Tooru’s half-brother, Oikawa Haru's son. They were almost fifteen years apart, with the same dad who dumped them both to Tooru’s mother, and they were never really close. The age gap was too awkward, so by the time Tooru had turned old enough to finally have a conversation with his big brother, he moved off to college and didn’t come back home until after he did his master’s. Even now, they spoke sometimes but they didn’t have the brotherly bond Tooru had always wished for. 

It wasn’t bad though, Tooru really enjoyed spending time with Takeru. He was super excited to become an uncle so young. He took it as an honour.

The door opened and Takeru’s mother, Hina, looked confused but she still smiled at the sight of him. She was young and beautiful, Hajime’s first crush as a child. When her and Haru first came home to announce the pregnancy, both Hajime and Tooru were about to turn ten and Hajime was sure she was the love of his life. Seems he was a modern-day Romeo. “Hajime!” She wrapped him into a hug, that he awkwardly, but gladly, accepted. “What a surprise! Did you forget something the other day?”

Hajime straightened up, clicking his neck while he looked for an excuse that didn’t make him look like a complete idiot. “No, uh, I told Takeru I’d show him something…” he swallowed, hoping that was good enough. _God, I probably sound like a creep, why am I here_. Takeru’s mom smiled and ushered him in. 

“You can make your own way to Ru’s room, right?” She asked, walking towards the kitchen. “I’m finishing up with dinner—oh, I’m sorry but I don’t have enough to…”

“Oh! No, no, Hina-chan, that’s totally okay, mom wants me home for dinner.” That was a lie, his mother had the night shift tonight and she was not cooking. He was actually supposed to have dinner with Tooru’s family but he was probably going to pass. He didn’t want to see him right now.

Hajime walked up the stairs and into Takeru’s room with a slight knock on his door and peaked his head in. Takeru, shaved head and all, was sitting cross-legged on the floor, his back leaning on his bed and eyes glued to the TV as he played some video game that involved a lot of murder. Hajime bought it for him for Christmas and his parents still hadn’t found out. Kid’s a good liar. He looked up, making the game mess up and give out a losing jingle.

“Sorry, did I make you lose?”

Takeru sighed. “Nah, I’ve been trying to pass that level for ages,” he put the controller down. “Why are you here?”

Hajime sat down in front of him sheepishly. He was so much bigger than the kid he babysat. Takeru was getting bigger by the day while Hajime constantly felt like he was shrinking. “You see, actually—well…”

“Spit it out!”

“Jeez, you got mean over the weekend,” Hajime held his hands up. He felt like he was being very off and Takeru could definitely sense that. “Okay, I’m gonna pay you to keep your mouth shut but I need advice and I thought I should come to you because kids have imagination.”

“Eh? What?”

Hajime let out a breath of frustration. “I need to get over a person but I don’t want to tell them how I feel.”

“Can I just say it’s incredibly weird you came to an eight year old for advice?”

“It’s weird that an eight year old uses the word ‘incredibly’ so casually.”

Takeru shrugged. “You tried telling him?”

Hajime was sure his face had turned into a tomato. “What?”

“Uncle Tooru—dude, I’m not dumb, even my parents know,” Takeru rolled his eyes, munching on a Pocky stick that he pulled out of _nowhere_. Hajime wanted to smack his head into a wall and crawl into a hole and disappear for all eternity. His life was just embarrassment, after embarrassment, after embarrassment.

“Seems the only one who doesn’t know is Tooru himself,” he grumbled, his head bowed as if to hide his face.

“Listen, dude, I think love is dumb and icky and no one should do it,” he picked up his controller. “But doing stuff makes stuff seem smaller. Big things are never really big, like—one time, mom and dad took me to Disneyland and we went on the Dumbo ride and at first it was really scary because it was high up but once we sat down it was fine and it was actually kinda boring. Also I think I sat in pee so I was uncomfortable the _whole_ time.”

That was a very longwinded way of saying exactly what Hajime had been telling himself for years. He wasn’t wrong. “Thanks, Takeru.”

“You’re welcome,” he nodded as Hajime patted him on the head lightly. “Now get out, I wanna play one more game before dinner.”

He went home feeling like the biggest loser in the history of humanity. Then again, that was his default, so what else was new. He parked his mother’s car in the driveway, seeing his dad’s wasn’t there either meaning Hajime’s mom had gone to work and Hajime was alone once again. _More time to think! Yay! I love torturing myself_.

He dropped his keys on the counter and skulked up the stairs, mumbling to himself, mainly criticisms. He kept wondering _why_ Tooru hadn’t shown up. Why he didn’t say anything. He wondered if he was okay. It was always about him. Always about the beautiful, fluffy-haired, lanky, cry-baby who could do a perfect service ace and bake the best cakes but never without eating the icing by himself. He always did have terrible self-control. Hajime brought a fist to his forehead and tapped himself a couple of times. _Snap out of it_. 

The lights were off and Hajime opened his bedroom door, instantly taking off his shirt and pants, and walking into the bathroom to shower. He just stood there, the water hitting his face harshly and he could no longer tell if he was crying or if it was just the water going down his face. He was definitely crying, he just didn’t want to admit it. The water was warm but the bathroom was cold, his shoulders shook as he felt his stomach twist and his feet curl. It was half frustration, half sadness. Or maybe he was just cold. Maybe he should’ve taken a bath.

When he got back into his bedroom, he screamed, seeing the outline of a person standing at his window, shadowed by the turned off lights. He was more afraid of someone knowing he’d been crying than someone coming in to rob him. He knew his face was still puffy and very obviously red from crying and he knew he wouldn’t be able to hide it at this exact moment in time. This couldn’t have happened at a worse moment. Iwaizumi turned on the light, wearily looking up and seeing Tooru standing there, looking exactly like Hajime did.

“What happened to you?” Tooru asked, hiccupping.

“I could as you the same thing,” Hajime deflected. 

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” he paused. “And for not showing up at the rehearsal. I’ve been flaky lately.”

Hajime sniffled. “Yeah, you have.” He put a shirt on and some shorts, and sat down on his bed next to Tooru, not really looking at him.

“I was on my way to see you and I stopped to pick up Sugawara,” he straightened his legs out in front of him and leaned back onto the wall next to Hajime’s bed. “He was there with Daichi, which, y’know, fine, they’re best friends and all that, and then they _kissed_ and wow, did that hurt! So, yeah, um—“ Hajime stood up, ready to beat Sugawara to a pulp. Another side of him was glad. Maybe that was selfish. He didn’t really know what to feel. “—no, Iwa-chan, don’t do anything, it’s not worth it.”

“Damn right he’s not worth it.”

“Apparently, Daichi’s been in love with him, for like, _forever_ , and he confessed and Suga felt the same way,” he shrugged. “The simple childhood friends to lovers story we always wanted. I’m kinda jealous—no, actually, I’m _really_ jealous.” Hajime’s stomach dropped. Was that a hint? Should he be thinking about this now? Nothing good could come out of confessing to someone on the day they got cheated on. Hajime pushed his feelings aside, just like he always did.

He gave out something that resembled an angry growl. “I cannot believe he would do that! What an _asshole_! I mean, at least call first, you know? Who does that? You have a near perfect person who _wants_ to be with you. Who you can hold and kiss and spend time with and never need more from. An intellectual person who you can have _real_ conversations with—and you just dump that? For what?”

“Daichi’s a pretty great guy.”

“But you’re _awesome_.”

“I’m just saying, I can see why-“

“Shut up, Tooru, because if you ever think you’re anything _less_ than perfect, I am going to punch you in the face.”

Tooru froze for a second, looking at Hajime, who for once in his own life was unfiltered and too angry to think about the words he was saying, and he smiled. He watched his chest heave and his eyes narrow and his nose flare and he just gazed at him. At the bunched up fists at his sides. At the angry eyebrows. At how protective he was being. This was Hajime’s default when it came to people hurting Tooru. He never accepted it.

He always did deny being nice afterward, though.

“You sound like a girl,” Tooru bit his lip, scared of his own words. Hajime turned around with wide eyes, his mouth hanging open, ready to tackle him. “Ah! Sorry, sorry, I take it back!”

“You’re a wimp.”

“I’m not a wimp, you’re just scary,” the softer boy crossed his arms over his chest. “You did just threaten me, like two seconds ago, I think I have a right.”

Hajime sighed and sat back down, their shoulders touching as he leaned back onto the wall. “I was threatening you in a _nice_ way.” He smiled softly, punching Tooru’s shoulder lightly and shutting his eyes. “Seriously, though, the next time I see that bastard I might kill him.”

“I’ll be sure to hold you back,” Oikawa smiled. “Though, I’m not your damsel in distress, Iwa-chan, I can take care of myself.”

Hajime gave out a loud laugh. “Is that why every time I’m not with you I find you crying?”

There were a lot of unspoken things between them that night. They both didn’t know anything about the other, but they knew everything at the same time. They were scared, protecting something that to them was worth more than any other bond they could ever form and they were so terrified of losing it that they were willing to sacrifice their own sanity to keep it safe. Wasn’t that pathetic? Some may call it romantic. Maybe completely insane or delusional or cowardly. 

The two of them were so similar, yet so different. So close but always so far away. They walked side by side but constantly raced towards the finish line without really thinking about what they were missing on the way. Both so locked up in their own minds to realise what was right in front of them.

This was all bound to go south very quickly, and neither of them were ready for what the universe had cooking for them.


	8. souncheck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took so long and this chapter is so short but big things are coming so stick by me

Iwaizumi was standing outside of a supermarket, back to a brick wall and hands in pockets. He felt like the main character in a movie and the song stuck in his head was the soundtrack. It was pretty lame but it made him feel cool so he didn’t bother switching position. It had been ten minutes and Tooru was still inside buying something, Hajime wondered what could be so important that he couldn’t come in to see.

“Yahoo!” Tooru came out of the shop with a bright smile on his face. Hajime straightened up, sighing and shifting his eyes from his friend’s face to the bag in his hand. “All done, we can go now!” He hid the bag behind him with a wink. “No peaking, Iwa-chan, I don’t wanna spoil the surprise.”

Hajime rolled his eyes as they walked towards the car. “You were in a very small supermarket for fifteen minutes,” he said flatly. “It’s food.”

Tooru looked offended. “Have a _little_ more imagination, Iwa-chan, I’m the _best_ at presents.”

“I still don’t know why you’re getting me a present,” he opened the car door and sat down, watching Oikawa put the bag in the back seat before sitting shotgun. “It’s just another small gig, we’ve done a lot of those before, nothing special.”

“You’re kidding, right?” His best friend’s mouth dropped. “This is a _sold out_ gig to three _hundred_ people! It’s the biggest deal so far.”

Hajime didn’t say anything, he just bit back a surfacing smile and hoped everything would go well. The show was tomorrow, the soundcheck was tonight and Iwaizumi still hadn’t finished the song. He spent the whole week hanging out with Tooru and trying not to think about how this was exactly the opposite of what he should be doing. He also promised himself that he was either going to confess or get over his feelings by the end of the month and he still wasn’t sure which option he liked best. Other than the immense pain he felt all the time, Hajime enjoyed being in love with Tooru.

They drove around a little bit, stopping at every edgy thrift store they could find because Oikawa had it in his head that Iwaizumi needed cool clothes for the gig tomorrow. “I’m just gonna wear jeans and a t-shirt like always!”

“Like hell you are.”

At the end of the day, Iwaizumi ended up with a pair of jeans in a colour he hadn’t owned before and a t-shirt with a car on it. “This isn’t cool in any way.”

“The jeans are perfectly baggy but they aren’t saggy and the shirt is reflective! Trust me, you’re gonna have all the girls swoon.”

“That’ll be Terushima,” Hajime said awkwardly turning on the car. 

Tooru’s face dropped, Hajime didn’t notice. “Are you and him still…?” The softer boy asked in a peppy tone, hiding the expression on his face that begged Iwaizumi to say no. Hajime’s heart dropped, he didn’t know how to reply to that. “I mean, it’s just—cos, I haven’t seen you with him lately, that’s all.”

Hajime didn’t reply, they pulled into his driveway and walked out of the car and into the house, where Iwaizumi’s mother was waiting for them with open arms. “Tooru! It’s so nice to see you!” They hugged, Hajime tried not to look. He didn’t want to think about how perfect they were for each other. He didn’t want to think about anything. “Are you going to the dress rehearsal with Hajime?”

“It’s a soundcheck, mom.”

She waved him off. “You say ‘po-tay-to’, I say ‘po-tah-to’.” 

The soundcheck wasn’t for a couple hours, so Hajime and his best friend headed upstairs into his bedroom where Tooru plopped down onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling and reaching his arms up towards the glow-in-the-dark stars that had been stuck up there since the boys were kids. Hajime tried not to look at him but it was so hard. His slender arms exposed as the sleeves of his t-shirt slid down to his shoulder, showing off his muscles. His hands had always been bigger than Hajime’s, long fingers that Hajime had thought about entwining with his own countless times. 

It was true that Oikawa was built like a board. Everyone made fun of him for it—but to Hajime, Tooru had always been soft around the edges, dipped in the perfect places, the piece that fit Hajime perfectly. 

Hajime tapped Tooru’s legs so he could sit and just as he lifted them, he dropped them back down onto Hajime’s lap. “Do you ever get nervous?” 

“Nervous?”

“Before a gig.”

He thought about it for a minute. “I get nervous like I did with volleyball games,” he smiled to himself. “It’s like… all the nerves that build up backstage just become excitement once we step out and see the crowd, y’know?” He rarely spoke candidly about things, it was strange for Hajime to be able to just say things to Tooru without getting at least a little bit embarrassed about what he was actually saying. But Oikawa didn’t really react, there was no judgement on his face.

_I’m in love with you_.

That would be so easy to say right now. It could be perfect. The perfect moment to confess all of the feelings he’d bottled up for almost ten years. 

“Hey, Tooru, do you think that--"

The door barged open and Hajime’s mother came in, smiling as Hajime’s stomach dropped. “Hey, boys! You want dinner before soundcheck? I’m assuming you won’t be home till late.”

Tooru sat up, his legs coming off of Hajime’s lap and slinging off to the side of the bed as he faced Hajime’s mother. “Yes, yes, Mina-chan, you are the _best_ ,” he said, his chin on both his hands and a childish smile on his face. Mina placed her hand on the top of Tooru’s head and grinned lovingly as she ruffled his hair. Then she looked at Hajime, who looked mortified, and tilted her head in confusion. Her eyes said, _tell me about it later_ , and she left the room. “Your mom is the coolest.”

Hajime chewed on the inside of his lip and gave out a chuckle. “Yeah.”

From the stage, it was almost impossible to see anything past the second row. The lights were so bright that Terushima had complained about going blind multiple times, while Sakusa brought sunglasses so he could laugh at Terushima passively. Tsukishima didn’t mind. He was the one that set up most of the lighting, so he was probably the reason the softest light stood above the keyboard and the brightest was above the bassist. “I hope you finished the song, _Iwa-chan_.”

Tsukishima was standing behind a spaced-out Hajime who jumped out of his skin at the sound of his voice. “Does _everyone_ know?”

“Pretty much,” Tsukishima shrugged. “So did you?”

Iwaizumi’s eyes were glued to Tooru. He was standing with the two captains from Tokyo, laughing away with them. He was so sociable, even with his crippling anxiety and need to be loved by everyone, he was still so good at talking to people he looked up to. He was usually dying inside with jealousy or comparing himself to people that are much different than him, but he still carried the conversation with a smile and he did it _so well_. It was scary that no one knew Oikawa’s true feelings.

Still, even in the darkness of the venue, Tooru was glowing. Shining so brightly that Hajime understood Terushima when he said he was going blind. 

Tomorrow’s gig was going to be interesting.


	9. tooru has too many thoughts

Oikawa Tooru was a fair boy. He didn’t expect much from people—actually he was surprised when people even thought about him. He was popular, sure, but that was only on the surface. No one ever really new him well enough. It was his own fault really, he never let anyone get close enough. Never let anyone see him cry or freak out. He was just, jolly, ol’ Oikawa Tooru.

And that was okay because Iwaizumi was always by his side.

Today was the day of Iwaizumi’s long awaited gig, or at least it would’ve been in a few hours. Tooru had lost count of the hours he’d spent restlessly staring at the ceiling while coaxing himself to sleep. It was a nightmare, being awake so often and being too tired to sleep. The headaches got heavier, just as his eyes did but his mind never stopped racing. He was thinking of everything and nothing. He hated it.

They’d come home from the sound check and Tooru was fully expecting to be able to sleep over like usual, but weirdly enough, Hajime had decided that tonight that couldn’t be the case, something about having to finish a song before the gig. It was _very_ unlike Hajime to be unorganised, so Tooru thought it was best to respect his wishes and saunter on home to his own bed and his mother who had been half ignoring him for a week.

The downside of a manic episode. There was nothing Oikawa could do, just watch her stare blankly into a wall, lying on the couch unmoving for days. He left her food that she barely ate and every time he spoke to her it was like the words just vanished before reaching her. It was the worst feeling in the world, but Hajime’s mother was here. Taking care of her best friend like she always was.

Sometimes when Hajime took care of Tooru, Tooru was afraid he was becoming like his mother. Helpless and pitiful. 

And then he looked at his curly haired best friend and his eyes were kind. Different from the rest of his indifferent face, they were full of love and worry but not in a judging or mothering way—they were equals. He was just worried about his best friend and he wanted to be there. Not because he _needed_ him.

Tooru did _need_ him, though. He didn’t know what he would do _without_ him. He’d probably go insane. Break into some sort of frenzy. They’d been attached at the hip since they were babies, it was only natural they’d become so co-dependent. Tooru was convinced Hajime would be okay without him. He was much more independent and responsible than Tooru could ever be and he was always the one keeping Tooru in check and not the other way around.

He had to accept the fact that someday Hajime wouldn’t need him anymore and Tooru would have to make his way into the world on his own. He dreaded that day. As it was now, Tooru couldn’t even fall asleep without Hajime. How was he supposed to live his whole life without him?

The fear that he was becoming his mother crept up. He felt it crawling up his skin and buzzing in his fingertips. He fisted his hands and turned onto his side, bringing his knees up to his chest and trying to breathe steadily like he did when he was with Iwaizumi. _In and out_. Counting the seconds. Holding his breath to slow down his racing heart. It was painful and he was so tired.

Still, he forced himself to stay put. To not bother Hajime, who had asked him not to be there tonight. Before his big gig. It was only right he needed to sleep and rest before the performance. He must’ve been nervous. Tooru was never good at comforting people, he tried his best with Hajime but he pulled away. He never let himself be comforted. It made Tooru feel useless—but then again, he always felt useless.

Every night with Tooru turned depressing. He always thought too much. He wasn’t a sad person with a sad life but his brain twisted every moment and memory and thought into something much more harsh and unfair than it actually was. He was his own biggest enemy and he knew it but there was no way of stopping that voice that crept up on him every time he went to sleep.

Well, there was a way, of course. Hajime was the way. He wasn’t the cure but he was certainly a great way to ease the pain. 

It always went back to Hajime, didn’t it?

Tooru’s eyes opened again at 10:30AM when he heard knocking on his bedroom window. He wasn’t exactly asleep but he wasn’t awake either. Some nights that was the best he could get, so he wasn’t really complaining. 

It took him a second to process what was going on as he sat up on his bed and rubbed his eyes awake. The knocking continued until Tooru stood up and walked to his window, lifting it open to find a smiling Iwaizumi Hajime. They locked eyes and his smile dropped instantly. “Are you okay?”

Oikawa hated being looked at like that, he just smiled. “Of course! Bright as a daisy!”

“You look like you haven’t slept in a month,” Hajime groaned, getting ready to step over into Tooru’s bedroom. “How can you be sure I’m not a hallucination?”

_I wouldn’t be surprised if you were_ , Tooru thought sadly, _you’re way too good to me._

“You could’ve come over, y’know, I wouldn’t have bitten your head off,” he backed down when Tooru pushed him back into his own room. He didn’t want Hajime in the house when his mother was like this. Even if he knew that Mina had already told him the whole situation, Tooru wanted to just pretend everything was okay for just a bit longer. He didn’t want anymore pity.

“You told me not to.”

Hajime sighed. “Yeah, but that was me assuming you were gonna be okay,” he itched his forehead. “You know that I am never going to turn you down if you’re having a hard time—your brain’s a little bitch sometimes.”

“Couldn’t agree with you more,” Tooru muttered under his breath. He was sure his eye-bags were dark and swollen as ever making him look hollow like always. It was hard to eat when it got like this, he was sure Hajime had noticed the sudden weight-loss, though he hadn’t said anything of Tooru’s sake. He was grateful for him. Always had been. He just wished it would be easier to say. 

Hajime tried to wipe the worry off of his face by ducking his face down to meet his gaze. “You want breakfast? Mom’s making you pancakes!”

Tooru’s heart fluttered a little bit and his entire body lit up. He grinned. “Let me just get dressed, I’ll be there in ten!”

Hajime bit his lip, gazing over him for a second longer, as if making sure he was okay one last time, before he nodded and ran off out of his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Tooru just stared into his room for a moment, silence suddenly engulfing him and he felt like crying. He didn’t exactly know why, there was nothing to cry about, maybe it was just the exhaustion getting to him, but there it was. Somewhere between happiness and overwhelming sadness. 

He tried not to think about it as he showered. He tried not to think about it as he stared back at his own pale face in the mirror. He tried not to think about it as he put his socks and shoes on. He tried not to think about it as he jumped from his window into Hajime’s because he didn’t want to face his mother.

This life was draining and he was glad to be leaving it behind for just a few hours.

He was looking forward to the concert very much. A night to forget all the shit he has. It sounded like peace.

As he hopped down the stairs, sporting his usual cheerful smile, he caught some of the conversation Hajime and his mother were having in the kitchen, though both of them had rather quiet voices in general and over the stove it was a little hard to hear. Mina sounded cheerful and for once Hajime didn’t sound like he didn’t want to be here. It was a good morning.

“Tooru! There’s my favourite son!” Mina smiled, raising both her arms up in celebration, the spatula in her hand flicking pancake mix into Hajime’s hair. “Oops.”

Hajime groaned as Mina giggled and Tooru walked further into the kitchen, a familiar warmth spreading through his chest. “Mom! Jesus, I just showered!”

“Morning, Mina-chan,” Tooru took a seat next to his best friend as he tried to look up into his curls. The brown haired boy picked up a napkin and mindlessly helped him clean the pancake mix out of his hair. Tooru didn’t notice Hajime freeze under his touch and his face turn completely red as his mother wiggled her eyebrows from behind Tooru. “All gone!”

Hajime coughed and softly pushed him away, completely flustered. “Alright, alright, thanks for that,” he cleared his throat. “You seriously need to be more careful.”

His mother waved him off. “So Tooru’s my date tonight, then? Do we pick the tickets up at the front desk tonight?”

“Yeah, I told you already,” Hajime rolled his eyes as Tooru’s phone buzzed in his pocket.

“Sorry, sorry, just making sure!”

As the two continued bickering, Tooru’s mouth went dry when he read the message on his screen.

**[Sugawara Koushi]** _i don’t like how we ended things._

_**[Sugawara Koushi]** i deserve an explanation._

Tooru swallowed hard and pocketed his phone, trying to ignore the sick feeling in the back of his throat. Mina placed a perfect pancake in front of him with a smile and a fun comment that didn’t process through Oikawa’s brain. He just chuckled breathily and looked down at his plate, eating quietly as Hajime and his mother talked about their day.

“Hey, notice anything?” Hajime elbowed his friend, strangely enthusiastic as he turned more in his chair as if to show Tooru something. 

He hummed in response, squinting his eyes. “You…” he sniffed the air in front of him. “You’re wearing cologne?”

Hajime rolled his eyes, trying to hide his disappointment. “No, dumbass, I’m wearing the outfit you picked out.”

Upon second glance, Oikawa realised Hajime was wearing the oversized, grey race car shirt they’d bought together and the slightly baggy blue washed jeans, cuffed at the bottom over a pair of adidas shoes he’d had for years. It made Tooru smile. He started hating himself for not noticing, for being so spaced out. Especially on a day that Hajime—even if he didn’t want to admit it—was so excited about. He was the worst friend in the world.

“Right, well, I have to go to our final rehearsal and I’ll be at the venue most of the day,” he looked at Tooru with wandering eyes. “It’s a closed rehearsal, _but_ -“ he raised the volume of his voice when he saw Tooru start to deflate. “The Tokyo boys are still in town and I know you get along with them so I thought maybe you guys could hang out or something I don’t know…”

Tooru knew that Hajime didn’t mean to treat him like a child. He knew that he was just trying to look out for his best friend, but things like this made Tooru worried that he was a burden. Worried that he needed to be watched or else he’d fall apart. He wasn’t like that and it wasn’t necessary. He was sure that this was more for Hajime’s own piece of mind than anything else.

So he just smiled and nodded. Agreed to it because he had no strength for anything else.

Tooru always thought there was something missing in his and Hajime’s friendship. Though he could never put his finger on what it was.

The day with the Tokyo boys was actually very, very fun. Oikawa didn’t feel watched or fussed over, he just felt like he could have fun without all of his own baggage. Hajime really knew him better than anyone else. Tooru was surprised and he didn’t know why. After all, he should’ve known Hajime just wanted him to take a break. Why did he _always_ expect the worst?

They went all over town, passing by Tooru’s favourite ice cream shop and spent about an hour in a shop while Bokuto tried to pick a present to bring back to his mother. It was a good day, before he knew it, they were lining up outside of the venue and Tooru was trying to find Hajime’s mother. She waved from the back of the line and he waved back, motioning for her to join them closer to the front. 

“Three hundred is a _lot_ of people,” Mina said, her face barely containing the giant smile plastered on it. “These boys with you?” She turned to Kuroo and Bokuto. “You must be the _Tokyo_ captains! I’ve heard a lot about you… Let’s see—silver and black must be… Bokuto? I can’t for the life of me remember your first name,”

“Koutarou!” He exclaimed, very excited to know that he’d been talked about. “This is Akaashi—Keiji, Akaashi Keiji.” He smiled proudly as Akaashi awkwardly extended his arm out.

“Nice to meet you, ma’am,” he said quietly. 

Mina scoffed. “Ma’am? C’mere!” She ignored Akaashi’s offer for a handshake and squashed both boys into a hug. Bokuto accepted it happily with a satisfied hum while Akaashi let out a strangled shriek. Once she let them go, she looked up at the last boy who was trying not to laugh at the whole interaction. He cleared his throat. “You must be Kuroo… your name rhymes… Tetsu? Teru? T-“

“Tetsuro,” he winked.

“Ah! Beautiful,” she hugged him too.

The wait wasn’t too long but it did take the boy at the ticket booth about ten minutes to find their tickets and they held up the whole line, the Tokyo boys going in ahead first. 

Once they were finally in there, the lights dim and the stage all set up, a crowd full of waiting people chattering amongst themselves, Tooru felt a weird sense of nostalgia. The cold air of the venue reminded him of Tooru’s first piano recital when they were eight years old. He’d been so nervous before hand but once he got on stage he’d never looked happier. It felt like a three-sixty moment. It felt like something was ending.

And he guessed something was. This was the last summer before both off them went off and became adults. Tooru couldn’t shake this feeling. No matter how much he tried, it felt as if it would stay with him forever.

The lights turned off.

All four boys ran on stage, Hajime’s silhouette stepping into his place right up front.

The adrenaline rose in Oikawa’s stomach as the crowds roared to the hum of the first guitar.

This was it. The moment they’d been waiting for.

And Tooru wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry i fell of the face of the earth like that
> 
> i promise you i will finish this fic by the end of the year
> 
> all the love to yous<3


	10. the long awaited-!

“Hey, can we talk?” 

Terushima’s voice broke Iwaizumi’s pre-show concentration as he ran the new lyrics of his song in his head for the hundredth time. He was a nervous wreck but there was no way he was ever going to admit that so he just turned and smiled a the boy with the undercut. “About what?” He tried to sound nonchalant about it, but his mind was wandering and he had a sick feeling he knew exactly what he wanted to talk about.

Terushima itched the back of his neck awkwardly, clearing his throat as if to buy himself more time. “Well, you see…” their eyes met and Terushima’s widened. He backed off with a sad smile. “Actually, it can wait. Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay.”

Iwaizumi held back a sigh of relief and shut his eyes as Yuuji walked off to his bass in preparation. He wasn’t ready for tonight but he didn’t exactly know why. If Tsukishima were to put his two cents in, he’d probably say it was because he was finally half-confessing his love for his best friend on _stage_ tonight, in front of three hundred people. Yeah, that _would_ get a person riled up.

It was gonna be okay. Tooru was so spacey this morning that Hajime was convinced he wouldn’t catch on anyway. He hated seeing him like this and not being able to do anything about it. He just hoped his day with the Tokyo boys helped him get his mind off of things. Even just for a little bit. He deserved a break. 

Hajime’s mother had told him about Tooru’s situation. It had been a couple of weeks now that she was having trouble eating and speaking. She hadn’t moved from the couch and it was really hard for Tooru to even look at her. She wasn’t always like this, she used to be a lively woman, she just— _deteriorated_ after her husband left. Hajime was just glad that at least his mother could help. He just wondered if that was enough.

“You need to stop psyching yourself out before shows,” Tsukishima said flatly, hands in pockets, eyes looking straight ahead. Hajime often questioned how Tsukishima could keep such a careless demeanour even at the best and worst of times. It was a talent, honestly. One that Hajime pretended he had, though many could see straight through—it was tragic, on his part. “Your voice always ends up being shaky during the first song because you’re thinking too much.”

Hajime’s mouth dropped a little bit. “This is one of those things you should mention in rehearsal,” he grumbled. “Not ten seconds before a show.”

“Two minutes.”

“So I guess I should thank you for the advance, then,” he rolled his eyes, slouching in his seat. “And, for the record, I am _not_ psyching myself out.”

Tsukishima’s eyes challenged him, he grinned. “Oh, yeah? Would you rather me call it ‘wallowing’?” Iwaizumi didn’t reply, he just stood up and stretched out his arms, cracking his neck a couple of times. He could hear the chatter of the crowd from backstage and his stomach began fluttering. The same feeling he got before a volleyball match. “Hey, why does the piss baby look so nervous today?” Tsukishima nodded his head towards Yuuji, who was jumping in place.

“How the hell should I know?” Hajime replied, perhaps a little too aggressively.

The taller boy hummed. “Sources say you were actually his boyfriend at one point.”

Hajime’s gut twisted. _Ouch_. What better time to make Hajime feel like a horrible person, than right before a show? Hajime wasn’t surprised, though he was a little hurt that Tsukishima actually took Yuuji’s side over Iwaizumi’s, for once. He deserved it, but _still_. 

It was finally time.

The lights dimmed and the boys all ran on stage. Yuuji taking his place to Hajime’s left, his eyes focused on plugging his bass in, Tsukishima had a small smile on his face as his hands grazed the keys of the keyboard and Sakusa twirled his drumsticks in his hands a couple of times. Hajime turned to face the audience, a hush falling over the crowd as he strummed the first chord of the set.

By the second song, the band had the whole venue dancing. The covers they’d picked for this show were ones a lot of people knew, and they managed to twist and change some of them to fit their own vibe a little more, which people seemed to appreciate. For a little bit, Hajime’s mind started to ease, he wasn’t thinking about much anymore, just the music and all the people that came to see him and support him and the rest of the band. It was pretty cool.

Then, the dreaded moment came. Yuuji took the microphone, smirking into the crowd, earning a couple of screams from the girls that always came to see him. “How are we all doing tonight?” The crowd roared, Yuuji’s smile widened. “I _said_ , how are we all doing tonight!” He shouted, this time bringing the microphone out to face the crowd as they all got three times louder than the time before. Yuuji was always good with people. Hajime was a little jealous. “Alright,” he dragged out, as the crowd hushed. “Most of you know this, but our lead vocalist,” he slung an arm around Hajime’s shoulders making him flush a little bit. “Is an awesome song writer.”

The crowd oo’ed and ahh’d, but Hajime heard a very few, distinct shouts. Two from the back, he wasn’t one hundred percent sure, but he guessed were Matsukawa and Hanamaki—two boys from the volleyball team who showed up at every gig to support him—and one from the centre. Hajime’s eyes fell on the familiar mop of brown hair and he bit his lip to keep himself from smiling. Or crying… maybe both.

“He’s managed to write a _very_ special song for you tonight,” Yuuji continued. You wouldn’t have noticed it, but there was a little bitterness in Terushima’s voice as he looked out into the crowd. That ‘ _you_ ’ was a singular you. He was talking to Oikawa. Hajime swallowed. “So…” he took a step back, walking to his own mic stand. “Without further adieu…” he gave Hajime a glance. 

“This is Stars Through Rain,” Hajime croaked out, his voice much quieter as he begun picking at his guitar strings for the intro of the song.

The lights dimmed around them as a stool was brought out for Hajime to sit on while he played his acoustic guitar and a single spotlight was pointed over him, while the other band members were barely lit by dim stage lights. His heart was in his throat, a few people cheered but his eyes were on Tooru. He couldn’t exactly see his face, it was shadowed and dark but he knew he wasn’t moving. He knew they were connected, at least in that moment, it was just them in the room.

_"Footsteps on the moon,_

_A far off view_

_Of something new…”_

As the song played, a couple of images flashed through Hajime’s mind. The most prominent was the time right after their exams in their second year when they were stranded under a tree in a park, the rain was pouring and neither of them had brought a raincoat or an umbrella. Hajime remembered looking at Tooru as he complained and realising his hair was actually much longer than it looked. He remembered Tooru giving up and just sitting on the floor, only to end up sitting in a puddle and crying about it for an hour after. He remembered walking home in the darkness while the rain was still lightly grazing the top of their, already soaking wet, heads. 

Tooru had looked up and said, “What do you think the stars would look like through the rain?”

“What the hell do you mean, dumbass?” Hajime had rolled his eyes, not ready to get philosophical with him and risk falling even deeper in love. “Just look up.”

The other boy laughed, shaking his hair out. “I would but every time I do, the rain falls into my eyes and they shut.”

“They just look like stars,” Hajime deadpanned as he looked up _for_ him. “Nothing special really, just stars.”

Tooru bumped his shoulder into his best friend. “I guess stars are just special enough on their own, then.”

It was a weird moment. Stupid, even. Nothing worth talking about to anyone, but it was a moment in their lives that Hajime thought about a lot for no particular reason. Maybe it was because this was a version of Tooru not many ever got to see. Maybe it was the peace of the empty streets and the sounds of rain. It could have even been that they ended up sharing the remainder of Hajime’s lunch because they were hungry but everything was closed.

Whatever it was, it was special enough on its own. Just like the stars. Just like Tooru.

Sometimes, Hajime thought he was dragging Tooru down. 

_"Beside you I’m a wreck_

_I should’ve called you back_

_But every time I try_

_You kiss me g_ _oodbye._ _”_

That was the day Hajime found Tooru rocking back and forth in the corner of his room, hugging his knees and just muttering to himself. He’d only called once so Hajime assumed he was fine or it was just a mistake, but after not hearing from him all day—he’d never felt worse. He was only fifteen and that was enough to traumatise him. Seeing his best friend like that.

These were all core memories. Moments in his and Tooru’s relationship that had made him into the person he was today. 

_"Sometimes I try_

_To keep you by my side_

_But every time I do_

_You push me far from you._

_And I don’t blame you_

_For not reciprocating_

_Maybe I’m the Earth_

_And you’re the sun_

_I spin around you_

_But so does everybody else”_

He thought that last line was corny. He’d thought about it a hundred times over but he kept it there. Because it was true, he was nothing special. Tooru had some sort of gravity about him that dragged everybody in and being his best friend didn’t change the fact that there were so many people that could easily replace him. Hajime never thought of himself as a wildly interesting person or someone who could make people like him just by being himself—he just considered himself lucky to be one of Tooru’s priorities. 

He tried so hard to always keep him close and yet every time he showed some kind of affection, he pushed him away. Hajime was guarded and stubborn and he was much too cowardly to ever admit falling for his best friend. It would hurt him too much to know he’d have to move on. So he pushed him away and then dragged him back in because, no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t live without him.

Here it came, the last chorus.

_"Stars through the rain._

_You drive me insane._

_This winding shitty path_

_I just wanna make you laugh_

_Stars through the rain_

_Please keep these thoughts at bay.”_

His favourite part. He was content with just being there for him. With just being his best friend. With just seeing him laugh. He didn’t need anything else, he just wanted to see him happy. He needed to convince himself that it was true. That having the tall idiot with no ass and soft hair was special enough on its own. Maybe asking for more was too selfish.

It wasn’t until he strummed his last chord and looked over the crowd—who stood in gaping silence—that he realised he was crying. Tears begun to flow down his face, he didn’t really even know if he was sad or happy, he just knew there was no stopping them. He grabbed the sleeve of his shirt and wiped his face as best as he could. He could _feel_ the eyes of the band on him. Tsukishima’s sly smirk and Yuuji’s sad eyes. 

The only gaze he cared about though, was Oikawa’s. What was he thinking? Had he caught on? Did he just out himself to the whole venue just to get rejected? The adrenaline of the show was quickly turning into anxiety as the last song of the set began. Lucky for him, Yuuji was on lead vocals for this one. He was starting to understand why Tsukishima was so eager to make this the last one. 

“Thank you very much for coming! We love you and appreciate all of your support,” Yuuji waved to the crowd happily. “This is our last song for the night!”

Once they got off stage, Hajime instantly felt his palms begin to get sweaty. He walked out into the main bar area where most of the crowd was waiting to meet the band or just grabbing dinner before heading home. After a while of looking around nervously, he caught eyes with his mother who smiled and then nudged her head to her side, wiggling her eyebrows. Next to her, stood Oikawa, his face a little red and puffy. He was chewing on his lip. 

_Oh_. 

This was it. He understood. 

Their eyes locked and for a moment the world froze. Tooru smiled.

“Okay, I don’t know how to say this so I’m gonna do it all at once and very fast,” Terushima stepped out in front of Hajime, blocking Tooru completely out of his sight. He tried to shift but Yuuji just moved along with him. “Hajime?”

Iwaizumi looked up with a huff. “Yes, yes, what is it?” 

“I think…” Terushima trailed off. Hajime peaked over his shoulder and caught sight of Oikawa trying to calm someone down or—wait a second… a head of grey hair bopped from in front of the other boy, and it definitely wasn’t Bokuto. They walked back towards the backdoor and then disappeared into the crowd. Hajime’s heart dropped. “I think I’m in love-“

“Could you just… hold that thought,” Hajime wasn’t listening. He was barely looking at Terushima as he ran out and followed the two boys to the back alley behind the venue. Maybe he should have paid more attention to the blonde boy who deflated when he was dismissed. Trying not to cry.

The air in the back alley was cold. Oikawa turned towards the door as he heard it open and his eyes instantly widened. He looked nervous. Hajime felt protective all of a sudden. When he saw Sugawara’s face, he had to hold himself back from punching him square in the face. “What the _hell_ is he doing here?” His voice was loud, his chest puffed out as if that were to make him seem more intimidating.

“Well, Tooru wouldn’t answer my calls, so I decided to just-“ he started. “I’m sorry, do you mind?”

Hajime rolled up his sleeves. “Do I _mind_?” He stomped towards the grey haired boy, who seemed to back up weakly, but he was held back by Tooru who grabbed his arm and yanked him back. “No one invited you here, dipshit.”

“I bought a ticket,” he pulled out a little square of paper and flashed it towards them. “Great show, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Hajime said mindlessly, earning a weird look from both boys. He shook his head. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“I have a right to be here!” He said lightly, waving his ticket out in from of them again.

“You gave up your right to be here when you kissed Daichi!”

There was a moment of silence, then, “I did _what_?” Sugawara’s eyes were suddenly burning with anger, wide and unbelieving. Iwaizumi’s eyebrows knotted. Why was he trying to deny it? Oikawa saw it, it didn’t make any—Iwaizumi turned to his best friend, his eyes glued to the ground, shoulders tense and hands fisted at his sides. He looked guilty. Hajime’s heart dropped. “That’s what you’re telling people? That’s how you’re manipulating people into believing you’re the good guy?”

“I didn’t meant to…”

Sugawara scoffed. “Oh, _bullshit_ , don’t give me that!” his voice cracked but he didn’t falter. Hajime realised he wasn’t breathing. Sugawara’s eyes met Hajime’s with a venomous glance. “Daichi has a girlfriend, by the way. Just for the record.” His laugh was bitter. “You are both so _stupid_ and I can’t believe I was naive enough to get caught up in it! That I actually ended up being the one getting hurt for no reason!”

Iwaizumi took a hesitant step forward toward Tooru and placed a trembling hand on the lean boy’s shoulder. “What’s he talking about, Tooru?”

The use of the name left a heavy silence between the three boys. Sugawara broke the silence once again once he realised Oikawa had no intention to. “I’ll tell you what I’m talking about, Hajime—may I call you Hajime?” He didn’t let him respond. “Sweet, little, twisted Tooru here is in _love_ with you. He’s so in love with you that it’s _disgusting_. He didn’t even try to hide it, and the worst part? I _knew_! I knew and I just ignored it! Because somehow, I’m the idiot here.”

Hajime’s entire body went numb. His ears felt as if they were ringing out after some explosion and Oikawa still wasn’t moving. Nothing was being processed in his brain, none of this felt real. The buzz of the performance was gone, the adrenaline was replaced by fear. A fear that this was all going very, very wrong. He didn’t know how to deal with this. With all of the emotions. With any of it.

The noise of the venue buzzed behind him, it echoed in the back of his mind as the chilly summer air made his fingertips cold. His hand dropped from Tooru’s shoulder, a dead movement that may have not meant much to him but made Tooru turn back to look at him sharply. Tears in his eyes, absolutely drained and—just as terrified as Hajime was. He was pale and looked so much smaller than he usually did. 

How was he supposed to deal with this? What was he supposed to say?

A small whine came out of Tooru’s throat, weak and powerless, but almost like a plead. As if he thought Hajime would run away and leave him behind now that he had this information. No words. Just this tiny crack in his voice that made Hajime’s entire demeanour crumble. Sugawara laughed. A loud and terrible laugh that made Hajime’s stomach churn because—he felt bad. He hated this entire situation. He hated this night. He wished it could all just go away.

“Or maybe the worst part is that I watched you both realise you were in love with each other,” Sugawara’s voice weakened as his shoulders fell in defeat. “And turned me into the bad guy to do it.” He looked up sadly. “I’m not a bad guy. I didn’t deserve this, I didn’t-“

Tooru turned to him, shaking, trying to hold back his tears. “Koushi, I’m sorry-“

“No, you know what? Fuck you,” he huffed, his smile a little twisted as he forced himself to match their gaze. “Fuck you _both_.”

The Karasuno boy left them both standing very still, in the dark alleyway. Neither of them spoke. Hajime’s body was unfeeling and confused. Tooru was staring out into the distance, not blinking. 

Finally, Iwaizumi took in a shaky breath. “Was he right?”

Tooru turned too look at him very slowly, but he didn’t have to say anything. 

For the first time in eighteen years, Iwaizumi Hajime could read Oikawa Tooru like a book.


	11. sprite under the stars

When Iwaizumi walked back out into the alleyway, he was almost scared Oikawa had left. 

Lucky for him, he hadn’t. He was sat on the curb of an empty street, looking like a still from a film about sad, but beautiful, teenagers. Hajime walked up to him, taking a quiet, yet shaky, breath in as he leaned down to hand Oikawa the can of Sprite he’d asked for. Tooru jumped a little bit, but relaxed ever so slightly when he saw his best friend, giving him an anxious smile as he took a seat next to him on the floor.

“Yes.” 

Tooru breathed it out so quietly that Hajime almost didn’t process it. His ears felt like they’d just stepped off a plane, his eyes blankly staring ahead into the bushes onto the other side of the road, trying to figure out how to let out the emotions he’d been bottling up for ten years. It was hard. Iwaizumi’s first instinct was pretending he didn’t know what Tooru was talking about. It was to laugh it off or playfully hit the back of his head and telling him to shut up. His body was fighting itself, not knowing how to react.

This was a little bit awkward.

“I’m answering your question, by the way,” Oikawa cleared his throat, eyeing him from the side, too afraid to look him in the eyes. “From earlier.”

Iwaizumi felt frozen in his spot. He knew he was making it harder for Tooru but he didn’t know how to stop it. He didn’t know how to un-teach himself the habits he’d carefully shaped around hiding his feelings. It was too hard. He wondered if Tooru knew. If he’d ever figured it out. If it all worked or if this was just as hard for him as it was for Hajime. He wondered why they’d never talked about it.

Tooru’s sprite fizzed open and he took a nervous gulp. Silence. Tooru sighed and finally turned to face his best friend. “Iwa-chan, please say something or I swear to God, I-“ Tooru’s voice caught in his throat. “Nothing, I won’t do anything… You don’t have to…” he trailed off. After a few seconds of tapping his fingers on the tin he gave out a chuckle. “It was the day you walked me home from school. I think we were thirteen.”

Iwaizumi finally looked up, his eyes wide, pupils blown out, brimmed with tears. His face was red and he realised that if he’d looked like this at any other moment in his life he’d want to lock himself away until he stopped feeling. So no one would see. So he could go through it alone, to… prove he was strong? What a sad notion.

“You just bought new volleyball shoes and you were showing them off _all_ day,” he sniffled a little bit, but persevered. “I have to admit, I was _so jealous_ and kinda pissed at you the whole day, but I walked with you anyway because I was too scared of the homeless man who lived by the bridge,” Iwaizumi could see him chewing on the inside of his cheek and he wanted to- he didn’t even know what he wanted to do. He didn’t move. “Then we got to your house, and you put your hands over my eyes and my stomach just—I remember it felt like it was on fire, like—good fire…”

He shook his head, curls bouncing from left to right. Hajime realised he wasn’t breathing.

“That sounds dumb, anyway—“ he continued. “—you pushed me into the kitchen and I couldn’t think about anything other than your hands touching my face, it was so strange. The day you bought us matching volleyball shoes because you wanted us to be _equals on the court_.”

Hajime remembered. Of course he remembered.

That was the day they had their first and last kiss with each other.

“I didn’t fall in love with you because you bought me shoes, I’m not _that_ shallow, I just—it was the fact that you spent your own money on it. You _saved_ up so you could buy me shoes that matched yours. I felt… all off a sudden I didn’t feel alone anymore.” He paused for a moment, then his cheeks flushed and he let out a strained laugh. “Then I came up with that stupid plan to _practice kiss_ you and—“

Hajime finally opened his mouth. “It was when our knees touched—you leaned a little bit too far forward and lost balance,” his throat was so dry he felt like he was dying. “To steady yourself you put your hand on my shoulder and I wanted to scream. I jumped away so fast because I was _super_ afraid of that feeling.”

Oikawa’s entire world had stopped spinning. Their expressions were now matching. Both staring at each other, wide-eyed with the realisation that the feelings that they’d been pushing down had been reciprocated the whole time. The realisation that they’d both fallen in love with each other on the same day.

“But I… you pushed me away,” Tooru’s eyebrows knit together. “You always acted so irked out when I even joked about us being together. Or when our parents called us soulmates or when I touched you slightly too intimately—I know you always played it off as play-fighting but… I just assumed it was your way of rejecting me or _letting me down easy_ or something, I don’t-“ he massaged his temples. “I kinda just gave up.”

“You… gave up?”

“Yeah, let you go, type of thing,” he paused long enough for Iwaizumi’s stomach to drop. “Or at least I tried to.”

Neither of them said anything. They were both too shocked to even comprehend whatever was happening right now. It didn’t seem like a probable route for them, they never in a million years thought that this was the direction their friendship would go. They were mostly joking when they said that if by forty neither of them were married, they’d marry each other. They always laughed it off when their parents joked about them getting married. 

And yet both of them were still clinging on to it. Both of them were hoping, praying, the other would come through. And their prayers came true. Now that they were here, they didn’t know how to deal with any of it. They didn’t know how to express the years worth of emotions. They didn’t know how to let it out and let it breathe. They didn’t know anything.

Maybe it was okay that this was so new for both of them. It was something they could add to the list of new experiences they’d had together. 

“It was your laugh that brought me back, though,” Oikawa’s voice cracked a little bit. Hajime subconsciously ducked down to match his gaze and Tooru looked down at him with tearful eyes, his long eyelashes, delicate and slowly fluttering. “Every time,” a hiccup. “You do this thing where you… you close your eyes and throw your head back a little bit and your entire body relaxes.”

Hajime scooted closer to his best friend and Tooru naturally dropped his head on Hajime’s shoulder. “Your hair.” Tooru laughed, making Hajime grunt a little bit in annoyance. “I don’t have a deep reason or anything, it’s just… so soft. I don’t know, dude, I’m not good at this.” They stayed silent for a little while. “I don’t know a world where I’m not helplessly in love with you,” he uttered out, feeling his chest instantly lighten. 

Oikawa lifted his head slowly to look at him. Hajime’s vision was a little blurry, he didn’t know when he’d started crying, but this was it. This was the moment he’d gone over in his head a million times before. He let out a noise that was somewhere between a sob and a laugh. “I don’t _want_ to know a world where I’m not helplessly in love with you.”

His voice was much louder this time, prouder, more confident. He felt as if he were floating. Like his body had been released from heavy chains that had been holding him back. He wanted to scream, he’d never been happier, he was over the moon. He was feeling all the emotions he’d only heard about from the countless books and movies Tooru had forced him to watch.

Hajime’s bright, overflowing eyes gazed over Tooru’s flushed face and his heart began beating faster than it ever had.

“You wanna know what it was for me?” His voice cracked as he threw his head back and shouted toward the stars. “It was the way your posture isn’t as perfect as everyone thinks, the way you always rely on your lower back and tend to lean to one side so your knee doesn’t give out.” He hadn’t prepared this in any way. He didn’t even know he’d _thought_ about this stuff, he just couldn’t stop. “It’s the way you rest your chin on the palm on your hand. The crinkles in your eyes when you smile and how your dimple makes you look like you’re always planning something.”

Oikawa opened his mouth to speak but Iwaizumi saw himself cupping his face. Something he’d always wanted to do. Tooru’s breath was shaky. “It’s how perfect your skin is and how _cute_ you look all squashed up like this. It’s the random words you mumble in your sleep. It’s your _hands_ ,” when he let go of his face, Tooru followed his hands slightly, as if he’d been leaning. Hajime grabbed his hands instead. 

This was a moment of euphoria that neither of them had ever expected. It was a moment of euphoria they both deserved.

“They’re bigger than mine, yet they’re delicate and you’re _such_ a hard worker—this isn’t about your hands anymore, but—you work so hard. You inspire my every move, my every decision. You make me want to be better. You-“

“Iwa-chan?”

Hajime stopped when he heard the whisper, almost scared he was suddenly going to get rejected. As if everything up to this point had been a lie.

It was almost as if Tooru could smell the fear. He smirked. “Just shut up and kiss me, you dumb, dumb, idiot.” 

The other boy froze, his heart beating out of his chest. He’d been so caught up in his own tears that he hadn’t noticed Tooru’s. Hajime inched forward, his hands slowly making their way up to his best friend’s face, his thumb gently wiping away a stray tear on his cheek and he felt Tooru’s shaky breath on his face. “Stop calling me that,” he breathed, his lips barely grazing Oikawa’s as they hungrily scanned each other’s faces.

“Make me,” he whispered.

Without hesitation, Hajime almost pounced forward, their lips finally connecting. It was as if his entire body were on fire, completely ready to merge with Tooru in a way they’d never merged before. Do something that both of them had never done with someone they knew better than they knew themselves. Hajime’s spine shivered as Tooru’s hands slipped underneath his shirt, his nails lightly grazing his skin as Hajime’s lips parted a little wider to let Tooru in.

It felt like a dance. It flowed and peaked and slowed. It was hungry and passionate but it was strangely calm, trusting. It was something that had been imagined and fantasied about for so long that both boys now felt like they could go off script and just let the moment take the lead. 

Hajime’s hands moved to Tooru’s curls, twirling his fingers in the soft strands of his hair as Tooru gave out a soft whine that made Hajime smile deeper into the kiss, his tongue dancing with his best friend’s, his _soulmate_ ’s. It felt unreal, like maybe the universe was playing some sort of sick trick on him and this was all going to disappear in front of him and he’d have to go back to feeling _so alone_.

Oikawa Tooru liked him back. 

Hajime opened his eyes and pulled back slowly for a moment, making Oikawa protest again as he licked his pink lips and pouted with knotted eyebrows. Hajime examined his face, his lips slowly turning up in a small, unbelieving smile. “I just wanted to make sure this was real,” Hajime said, his eyes had a child-like quality to them. 

Oikawa leaned forward, bumping his forehead into Hajime’s and looked him in the eyes. “I never actually said it,” he spoke quietly, not breaking eye contact. “I’m in love with you, Iwaizumi Hajime."

Oikawa Tooru _loved_ him back.

Hajime’s lips parted, his mouth falling open, dumbfounded. Then he bit his lip, pecking Tooru’s lips with gooey doe eyes and wrapped his arms around Tooru, placing his chin on the top of his head. “Shut up, Loserkawa.” He felt Oikawa snuggle his head further into his chest and his hands stroking his back and he felt at ease. For the first time in God knows how long, Iwaizumi Hajime felt calm. Happy. 

After a few moments of silence, where the two did nothing but fit together perfectly, Iwaizumi looked up at the moon and smiled. He kissed the top of Tooru’s beautiful head and then stood up, reaching his hand out to his best friend. “Let’s go back inside,” he grinned. “I wanna tell my mom.”

Walking hand in hand back into the venue was something not many noticed. The first two to run towards them, spotting them from the other side of the room, were Mattsun and Makki. They stopped in front of them with excited glances, staring at Tooru’s swollen lips and Hajime’s flushed face. “You bastards did it, didn’t you?” Matsukawa wiggled his eyebrows.

Hanamaki elbowed him with a laugh. “Outside? Are you serious?”

Tooru and Hajime just looked at each other and burst out laughing, making both the other two boys _extremely_ confused. Iwaizumi patted Mattsun on the shoulder and Oikawa winked at the both of them and they just scurried away, holding hands and trying to find Hajime’s mother to break the news to. She’d been their number one supporter since the day Hajime helped Tooru build a sandcastle, just so he could step on it and make Tooru cry, when they were seven. 

They stopped in front of Mina, who looked like she’d had a few beers and had spent the entire night dancing with Kuroo. “Oh, hey boys! You’re just in time, I just got ditched,” she pointed over at where Kuroo and Tsukishima were aggressively making out in the corner of the room. “Not the prettiest sight, but alas, at least they’re happy.”

Hajime and Oikawa didn’t respond, they just held hands and smiled very brightly as they waited for her to notice.

“What’s wrong? Did your faces freeze?” She widened her eyes, standing up to examine the situation closer. She looked at their flushed faces and down at their hands, then back up at their faces. Her mouth dropped open and she began pointing at the boys, their smiles getting wider as all three of them got giddy and started jumping. “Finally!” She shouted as she slung her arms around both of them, gripping them close to her, close to tears. “I love you both so much, I don’t think you understand how happy I am about this.” 

“Oh, trust me, Mina-chan, you are the first we wanted to tell, exactly for that reason,” Tooru bit his lip to keep himself from crying again. He couldn’t believe this either. He felt like finally something was going in the right direction. The pieces just fit. “Are you gonna give me the _treat him right or I’ll kill you_ speech?”

Mina cleared her throat. “Oh, yes, yes, of course,” she put on her serious face. “Hajime, you break this boy’s heart and you’re _dead_.” She paused, turning towards Tooru who was holding back a laugh. “How was that?”

Hajime rolled his eyes, throwing his head back, way too happy to even pretend to be annoyed. “I don’t appreciate the slander,” he chuckled and then looked lovingly over the giggling Tooru. “I would never.” Tooru bit his lip and then leaned down to kiss Hajime’s nose. “No, don’t make me feel _small_ , Shittykawa!”

Tooru shrieked running off into the crowd and Iwaizumi chased after him. “You’re so vulgar!"

Iwaizumi ran into the crowd of dancing strangers and caught hold of Tooru’s wrist as the colours around them changed and the music boomed through the speakers. He pulled Tooru towards him, with a devilish smile and grabbed his face to pull him down, placing his lips next to his ear. “Oh, I’ll show you vulgar,” kissing his earlobe and making his way down to his neck, he practically felt Tooru crumble under his touch.

Hajime never wanted this night to end.


	12. soulmates

Hajime couldn’t put a finger on it, but something was different. 

It may have been the fact that he was finally calm around his best friend, not having to push or joke or laugh off affection. He could just sit here, listening to him hum along to a song with his eyes closed and his head on Hajime’s lap as Hajime’s fingers tangled into his soft curls. His back leaned against the wall next to his bed as Tooru stretched out across the length of it and the room was quiet. Calm. 

Hajime was happy. Just for now he was happy and he didn’t even _dare_ to move. He didn’t want to ruin it.

Tooru shifted a little bit, his hands grabbing at Hajime’s loose one that was resting on Tooru’s stomach and he pulled it up to his face and placed a kiss on the smooth skin of the back of Hajime’s hand, making the spike-y haired boy smile softly as he felt Tooru’s thumbs stroke his hands. They were so in love it was actually starting to get gross. Iwaizumi loved that feeling.

The thing was, contrary to what Hajime had thought, the adjustment from best friends to boyfriends wasn’t difficult. Sure, at first it was a little awkward because Hajime had to teach himself how to not pull away every time Oikawa touched him, but they took their time. They were just happy they didn’t have to pretend anymore. After less than three days, the two of them had developed a new normal. A normal that they’d been dreaming of since they were young. A normal they never really thought possible.

And they were over the moon about it.

It seemed like everything was going their way and that scared Iwaizumi. Oikawa’s mother even started speaking and living as usual again. It was a huge relief for Tooru, he started sleeping and eating properly again. It was a rough month but it was all coming to a good close. The new school year was nearing closer and closer and Hajime was forcing himself to push that thought away. To not think about it. To just enjoy the now.

“Tooru?”

The other boy just hummed in response.

“You know how you said you wanted to take a year off… to travel and stuff-“ Hajime stopped himself. He didn’t know why he was so nervous. Tooru opened his eyes and looked up at him, telling him to go on. “Are you still… gonna do that?”

Tooru thought about it for a moment, his lips forming a pout like they always do when he’s deep in thought. Hajime was chewing on the inside of his lip. He didn’t exactly know where he wanted this conversation to go. He didn’t know why he brought it up but it was happening and there was nothing he could do to stop it now. He hated that he became the emotional one in the relationship, he wished he could just go back to repressing his emotions.

That was obviously a joke. He was _very_ happy, it was just hurting his pride.

“I don’t know,” Tooru sighed honestly. “I probably wouldn’t wanna go alone.”

Hajime’s words tumbled out of his mouth without thought. “D’you wanna go together?”

There was a little bit of silence as Tooru sat up slowly, his eyes never leaving Hajime’s, until they both found themselves sitting cross-legged in front of each other, knees touching and all. Hajime’s palms started getting sweaty. He wasn’t used to vulnerability. He definitely wasn’t known for spontaneity either. He swallowed hard, wanting to punch himself in the face for speaking.

“Do you mean that?” Tooru was wide-eyed, smiling.

Hajime, taken aback, just scoffed. “Yeah, dumbass, when have I ever said something I didn’t mean?”

Tooru shrugged and bit his lip. He was definitely excited, though Hajime didn’t exactly know why but he decided not to question it. Tooru pushed off Hajime’s leg and stretched out to reach for the laptop resting on Hajime’s bedside table. He moved to sit next to his best friend, both their backs now resting against a wall, and opened the laptop onto a fresh browser page. 

“Where are we going?”

Hajime huffed, taking the laptop from Tooru. “Give me that,” he licked his lips. Tooru didn’t complain, he just put his chin on Hajime’s shoulder and looked at the screen while Hajime started typing out some of the suggestions into the browser and they got a rough idea of how much it would all cost. “I can feel you staring at me.” Tooru flinched a little bit and then laughed. “Spit it out.”

Oikawa scoffed slightly. “It’s nothing, I’m just... a bit surprised.”

“Why?”

“You’ve just been really set on going to university,” he cleared his throat. “You’ve been really clear about having a _plan_ since we were young. I just—don’t look at me like that! I’m happy, honest! It’s a good surprise.”

Hajime rolled his eyes. “I just think we wasted too much time,” he scrolled through the flights from cheapest to most expensive. “I wanna do all that romantic shit you always go on about before we go our separate ways at uni and then barely have time for each other.” He felt Tooru’s arms snake around his waist and his chin back on his shoulder, so he turned to find two giant doe-like eyes staring up at him lovingly. He was probably blushing. “What is it now?” Hajime groaned.

“If you weren’t so snarky, someone might mistake you for being romantic,” Tooru giggled. “Can’t have that happen.”

Hajime chuckled nervously, shaking his head and playfully pulling away from Tooru’s tight grip. He didn’t let go. Hajime was glad. “How about Paris?” 

It took both boys a moment to process what Hajime had just said. This was the second time Hajime’s mouth had worked faster than Hajime’s brain. It was as if something clicked in Tooru’s mind, though. He let out a breath. “Yes. Perfect. That’s the one, that’s where we’re going.” Hajime blinked one second and Tooru shook him. “Why aren’t you researching? Go! Go! This is absolutely the right answer.”

The two of them spent the rest of the evening researching until Hajime fell asleep on Oikawa’s shoulder as he continued scrolling through endless websites. 

Hajime woke up at and the clock next to his bed read three thirty in the morning. The bright light coming from Hajime’s laptop was still on and when Haijime looked up from Oikawa’s shoulder, he saw the other boy staring at the screen, quiet and unblinking and he smiled sadly. 

Gently, he took the laptop from off his lap, making Tooru turn sharply. Hajime kissed his cheek, his hand softly brushing a curl out of his eyes. “It’s time for bed.” He kissed his cheek again, this time Tooru’s eyes relaxed and so did the rest of his body. Wrapping himself around him, Hajime brought them both down and reached a hand to turn off the light, spooning his boyfriend. “Breathe with me.”

Their breaths matched up. It was never going to _cure_ Tooru’s insomnia but it relaxed him enough to get at least an hour of sleep. Hajime was just glad he could be of some sort of help. It may have been selfish but he enjoyed being needed, especially by a person he, himself, needed so much. Tooru’s hair smelled like almonds. Hajime nuzzled his head in the crook of Tooru’s neck, holding onto him so tightly, as if he was going to disappear when he woke up.

He didn’t have any dreams that night. He was glad.

Hajime woke up to a sleeping Tooru. He looked so peaceful, his eyelids softly shut, his eyelashes grazing the tops of his cheeks and his mouth slightly ajar as quiet snores escaped his lips. Tooru had been sleeping a lot more the last few weeks and that made Hajime feel much more at ease. He was such a worry-wart, he was starting to annoy himself.

He turned on his side to look at him, careful not to move too suddenly. He didn’t want to wake him. Hajime couldn’t help but smile. He thought that if he were watching a film right now he’d probably be gagging at how the main character was looking at his lover. Then again, being the main character didn’t feel too bad all of a sudden. It was so rewarding to finally have Tooru all to himself. He definitely didn’t enjoy the amount of emotional pain he went through beforehand, but this was definitely a good pay off—getting to touch him like _that_ , getting to look at him like _that_ , getting to _kiss_ him—it was all kind of surreal.

A terrible thought crept into Hajime’s brain.

_Terushima Yuuji_ ’s words. 

Hajime fell off his bed with a thud. Oikawa didn’t move. 

There was no way he’d said that right? Hajime must have imagined the whole thing, after all he was so preoccupied with Tooru and Sugawara that he wasn’t even paying attention to— _AY_ , he was such a dick. He just left him there, he’d seemed so anxious about talking to him all day and he just left him there. He was also pretty sure he’d interrupted Yuuji in the middle of a sentence. This was bad.

Iwaizumi rubbed his back, where it was aching from the fall and he grabbed his phone.

_**[Iwaizumi Hajime]** Can we meet up?_

The reply took a while to come through, Hajime just stared at his screen until it did.

_**[Terushima Yuuji]** i don’t feel like it._

_**[Iwaizumi Hajime]** I’ve been unfair to you. I need to apologise._

_**[Terushima Yuuji]** oh, would that make you feel better?_

**_[Iwaizumi Hajime]_ ** _Don’t be like that, Yuuji. You know that’s not what I meant._

_**[Iwaizumi Hajime]** I understand if you don’t want to see me. You didn’t deserve any of that. I really am sorry._

_**[Terushima Yuuji]** i know._

_**[Terushima Yuuji]** don’t worry about me. i’ll get over it._

Hajime didn’t know what to do. This didn’t feel big enough. He was being let off too easily and he didn’t like it. He didn’t want to be begrudged for the rest of his life. He didn’t want this to mess up the band. He didn’t want this to be the end of his friendship with Yuuji. There was no way he could make it up to him. What would he have done? Explained how in love with his best friend he was? And then what? 

Truth was, the two of them started things to make Oikawa jealous. Terushima suggested Hajime use him. This whole thing started because of Tooru. Hajime could have never guessed Yuuji had any feelings for him—well that’s a lie, though, isn’t it? Because he knew and he did it anyway. It was so messy. He hated it.

He typed three or four responses but ended up deleting all of them. The guilt looming in his chest. 

_**[Terushima Yuuji]** don’t worry, i don’t have a picture of you to throw darts at or anything. i knew what i was getting into. don’t overthink this._

Hajime sighed. His entire band could read him like a book even when he wasn’t there. It was kind of unfair. He always thought he was the dark and mysterious type. Never the helpless, emotional one. This was ridiculous. 

The door behind him opened and hit him on the back. He heard his mother yelp on the other side as he groaned in pain. She stuck her head into the bedroom and looked down at the floor and then up at the bed where Oikawa was still asleep. “What are you doing on the floor?” She whispered. “Your bed can _easily_ fit the both of you.”

Hajime rolled his eyes. “I fell. What do you need?”

“Just checking if you boys wanted breakfast,” she looked back at Tooru. “How much did he sleep?”

Hajime eyed the time. _11:45AM_.

“At least six full hours,” he smiled up at her.

“Victory for the Iwaizumi’s!” She cheered quietly. “Okay, don’t wake him up, come down when you’re ready.”

He nodded and she closed the door again, leaving Hajime to crawl back into bed with his favourite person in the world. His hand mindlessly reached out to brush some of his curls out of his face as he slept. This was one of those cheesy romance movie moments. Hajime was almost certain Tooru would wake up and say something along the lines of _I can feel you staring_ or something cheesy like that. What was embarrassing was that Hajime wouldn’t have minded hearing that line.

He wanted the cheesy moments. He wanted it all when it came to Tooru and he wasn’t ashamed to admit it. 

_Paris with Tooru_. Them having breakfast together in front of the _Arc de Triumphe_ right before a day exploring the _Louvre_ and fighting the crowds to see the Mona Lisa in all its glory. Going up to _Montmartre_ and looking down on the city. Even going to _Notre Dame_ to feed the birds. Those were all things he’d heard about and read about. Things that he never thought he’d ever experience. And yet now it all seemed so close.

“You’re staring,” Tooru’s groggy morning voice made Hajime’s heart flutter. 

Hajime rolled over to face the ceiling. “You’re cheesy.” He didn’t mean it.

Tooru giggled and pushed himself up to hover over Hajime, his eyes still sleepy and his skin a little puffy. He leaned down to kiss Hajime on the lips, his curls dangling down over him. “You love it.”

Hajime flipped him over, so that Tooru was on his back again and Hajime was almost straddling him. “You _know_ it,” he smirked as he placed a slightly hungrier kiss onto Tooru’s neck, feeling him quiver slightly underneath him. Tooru’s eyes rolled back, Hajime’s smile turned devilish as he did the same thing on the other side of his neck until he was making his way down his chest, pulling his shirt off and kissing every inch of skin. Tooru’s nails digged into Hajime's back as Tooru’s arched slightly at the proximity of Hajime’s face to Tooru’s waistband. “Lock the door,” Hajime looked up. 

Tooru brought a shaking hand up to the key in the door and he turned it.

After breakfast, Tooru announced he had somewhere to be today. “Since he won’t answer any of my calls, I’m going to find him at work to apologise.”

“That’s a little stalker-ish, don’t you think?” Hajime asked as he zipped up his jeans and pulled his shirt down over them. “Maybe he just needs space.”

“Yeah, but _I_ need to apologise,” Tooru huffed. “Or else I’ll go insane.”

Hajime knew exactly what that felt like so he didn’t say anything. “You think we can go to lunch after? There’s no doubt in my mind you’ll need cheering up,” he patted the top of Tooru’s head as Tooru stared off into space. Hajime squatted down to match his gaze. “Hey, Loser?”

Tooru gave him a sour smile. “Yes, Hajime?”

“I love you.”

Tooru’s hands reached out to cup Hajime’s face. “I love you, too.”

Oikawa left Hajime’s house and nervously skipped off to the cafe where he knew Suga would be working at around this time on a Tuesday afternoon. He didn’t exactly know what he wanted to say to the other boy, he just knew that their conversation the other day left a bad taste on his tongue and he needed to fix that. The only person he was willing to die hating was Kageyama Tobio, thought he knew that at one point or another, he would have to let that go, too. 

Alas, that hatred was simply a projection of his own fears onto an underclassman with ’natural talent’. Didn’t mean they weren’t valid. He still needed a little time to heal from that one. 

The bell of the cafe dinged and Tooru suddenly felt very exposed. It wasn’t a crowded place at all. It was actually kind of empty. His eyes searched for the familiar grey haired boy and they finally fell on him as he wiped a table clean and hummed along to a song that was playing on the radio. “Koushi!” Oikawa croaked, trying to sound at least a little upbeat.

Sugawara’s expression dropped when he heard his voice, his eyes turning a little spiteful when they met Tooru’s. “Why are you here.” It didn’t really sound like a question, more like a curse. A shiver went up Tooru’s spine. _Yeesh_. “I have nothing to say to you, so I suggest you leave.”

Tooru swallowed. “I have something to say.”

“I don’t wanna hear it.”

Oikawa’s head dropped with a sigh. “I completely get that—and I’ll go, I will, but, Sugawara-san?” he urged.

Koushi huffed. “What.”

“I’m sorry.”

There was a pause in conversation, the air around them tense, neither of them looking away from the other. Sugawara licked his lips. “Thank you.” 

With a nod, Oikawa spun on his heel and walked right out of the door and back into the warm, late august air. He picked up his phone and held it to his ear as it rung out loudly into the street. “I’ve been gone less than an hour and you’re already missing me? Come on, now, Hajime, have some respect!” He joked.

“How do you feel about leaving tomorrow?” Hajime’s voice echoed in Tooru’s mind, his heart beating faster by the minute. Paris with his soulmate? Now that was a once in a lifetime opportunity, there was no way he could say no to that, right? University could wait, fuck that, the _world_ could wait, if it meant being able to spend unfiltered and unstopped time with his best friend, his _boyfriend_ , his soulmate.

Tooru took a deep breath and looked up into the purple-ing sky above him. “Count me in."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is it! the end of the story. i want to thank you all so much for reading and for leaving all of your awesome comments, i really appreciate every single one of them. i hope you enjoyed it and i didn't disappoint!
> 
> please look out for my next fic, "Lonesome Voyagers", a tsukikuroo travel au about two lost souls who meet by chance on a trip to paris, with completely opposing personalities, but a lot more in common than you'd think! 
> 
> i'm really excited to start writing that one, it'll be out within the next couple of weeks. 
> 
> thank you again for reading, have the happiest holidays and i'll see you in the next one:)
> 
> ((( twitter, insta & tiktok : owlboii4 ))))

**Author's Note:**

> i'm currently in the process of recording and releasing a full version of iwaizumi's song!! please look out for that one!! 
> 
> thanks for reading, i have lots of ideas for this fic so please stick with me!!
> 
> all the love<3


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